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Define nighthawk- n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night

Chapter 1

A Rambling Poem

You're gone
and have been for over a year,
but before that you basically already left
giving me that false hope that dangled ever so near.

I was shattered in ways that can't even be managed
and even to this day, when I listen to my heart
it's as if I can the hear loose glass pieces
in the form of my irregularities that were there from the start.

The problem isn't that I'm not over you though
because I am- and I know that now
for when I think of you- when the sun is up
I smile at the times we shared instead of crying about how.

Something changes late at night though
because when I start thinking about this new guy
and the smirk that he possesses
there's something that just snaps- leaving me out in the cold and ready to cry.

It's the tiny thought that you left me with
because I wasn't good enough for you to stay.
I wasn't good enough for you to just greet me with a kiss
so now- I know I'm not good enough for this other guy to greet me that way.

I don't want to feel like this though-
I don't want to be trapped like a bird in some sort of cage,
but what can I do when the best part of me was you
and the part that was left was all this pent up rage?

I want to fly
I want to open myself up and declare my feelings for the other boy
but when I think about even attempting that
you cross my mind- as the reminder of me being a failure- of how I'm just life's toy.

You're gone
and have been for over a year,
so why does it feel like you still control me
when all I want is to not be living in fear?

If I answer my own question, it's that you must be my nighthawk
and I'm so damn sick of that being true.


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