A Rambling When It's All the Same

Chapter 1

Free Verse. Poem. Ramble. Thoughts. Whatever

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it ached
something so wonderful that it filled you with fear?

If you have then you know-
you know that Pain and Desire- they're both the same
and you realize that what you feel is often because of two reasons
You either don't understand the contradiction or you wish you didn't.

Personally, I don't know what it's like to not understand
but I can imagine the confusion it must bring
because you go around in life searching, hoping for something
but at that same time, for no seemingly clear reason you run when it's in grasp.

I can imagine that that creates anger and loneliness, and maybe- maybe you wish you did understand.

I can let you in on a little secret though,
understanding doesn't help a damn thing
because when you know what's causing the opposition and the purpose behind it
there's frustration in place of confusion, but anger remains
which eats you alive just the same
since most of the time understanding is brought due to experience,
and you're probably thinking that experience is a good thing
so instead of me trying to convince you in an outside perspective, I'm going to share my story here:

Young
Bright eyed
A girl with a lion's mane
I used to laugh. I used to cry. It was really all the same.
When I was like this, I held this idealistic view of love
where someday my Prince would come for me
and never did it occur to me that somewhere deep down I was filled with fear.

However, when I met him- when I fell for him- when I lost him
that fear revealed itself to me
and I for the first time felt horror yet desire fighting inside my stomach
causing the butterflies I felt before, but in a more severe way
at the moment though, I didn't understand, I didn't know why my heart would take off on a high speed race with anxieties being the ones in control
or why I yearned to be with him anyways.

When he left though, I fell and away from the desire
leaving only pain, where nights would become unbearable
because the dreams that my mind would take me turned beautiful
yet were nightmares since it was only in my dreams were the desire to love and be loved in returned still lived.

This was my life for months and through time it became comfortable
since it was something I knew, and I know myself, and I know what comfort means to me.

However, when I finally got better, when I finally started falling for some other guy
reality struck me with all the desire and pain once more
causing me to fight this inner war
where I realized why I was feeling all the contradictions
due to experience that I already had with falling in love,
because I admit- when it was great- god there was nothing better than it
but when love decided to take a different direction, the pain led me to fear-
Fear that I would never be loved back
Fear that my heart would just end in pain
Fear that I am forever unlovable.

Because even though adoration is something I yearn for
and is something that when I'm ready- I would take it with open arms
there's this piece of me because of my experience with him that can't be fixed- that I don't want to fix
because it's apart of me that defines who I am
and I'm scared of the change, as well as the possibility of becoming more fractured,
leaving me more confused when compared to the time when I didn't understand
since I know why, but I don't know what to do
because in the result of this all- it feels like I'm trapped somewhere in a cage that's stuck between my brain and heart.

It's frustrating. It hurts. It causes loneliness to erupt through my soul.

So with my ramble now coming to a finish
let me leave you all with a question to ponder over:
what would you choose since pain and desire is all the same?

Would you choose to understand only to wish you didn't?
Or would you choose to not- even in the slightest?

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