Heartache Ramblings

Let me know what you think. Criticism is appreciated.

Chapter 1

Poem

Staring at a blank page
I'm trying to find the right words to express
so I can breathe out all the pain
and begin to decompress,
but all I am is coming up empty
because there isn't words that can be weaved together
when you can no longer feel your heart beating
since you're so under the weather.

And actually, as I reread that- I realize that's not entirely true
because it's not like there isn't words to describe
in fact- I can think of a million things to say
it's just that I can't form it into something deemed as good enough when everything is numb inside.

And let me tell you, I want to scream all the ugly phrases out
but if I say them, then I'm afraid they would become true
because as of right now, they're just thoughts I want to write
so I can avoid turning blue.
But just writing them, like I am now,
doesn't seem to be working since tears are threatening to pour
while my thoughts continue to whisper into my ear
reminding me that I can't take all that much more
as well as the fact that I'm all alone
even if I'm standing in the middle of a crowd
because at the end of the day, no one cares
even though there are people that remind me that that's false.

It's all lies though really
because how can anyone care when I don't myself?
How can anyone care when I've accepted that fact?

I don't even know what I'm doing here
because all I do anymore is let words ramble on
hoping they form into some sort of expression
that people will read and say it's beautiful
even though it's not- because there's nothing beautiful about writing in pain
since there's no other way I know how to escape.

Yet even though I'm rambling,
I want to write more- I just don't know how
for everything keeps circling around the racetrack that's my mind
and now I'm afraid I'm probably repeating
but it's hard not to when the same thoughts are doing that exact thing
which is echoing everything that's wrong
like how I've begun to realize that even though I try
I'm never enough for anyone
and that's my fault because now that I've said this all
I realize that the reason no one will love me
(even though I've been told that this one certain individual does or did)
is that I'll never be deemed good enough to love.

and Now that I've finished, now that I think I'm done,
I'm staring at this full page
that's full of rambles and heart ache
but I realize it didn't help me decompress, for the thoughts are still stuck in my mind--as if it's a cage.

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