I remember ~Original Story~

He refuses to get help, but he’s been better. He hasn’t threatened suicide, he hasn’t hit me or anyone else, he hasn’t yelled at us or gone on rampages. But I still live with the after effects. I still live with him and the reminder of everything he’s done.
I wanted to share what has happened and hopefully help someone else. Don't worry, I am absolutely safe :)

Chapter 1

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When a TV show episode features money, however comical, I get anxiety. I remember my dad always saying “don’t waste money. Get your money’s worth.” I remember him screaming at my mother while she does bills. And then him buying a new boat.

When my roommate as music camp pulled down the blinds I panicked. I remember my dad yelling at me telling me I’ll break the blinds, they’ll get wrinkled, they’ll be ruined.

When I take my sleeping pill at night I remember my dad saying he wished he took an entire bottle of sleeping pills so he wouldn’t have to wake up to a family that hates him.

When someone gets upset with me I cry and feel sick. I remember my dad yelling, saying he’ll leave the family, saying he’ll kill himself, saying he hates us.

I remember driving to the state fair and him saying he’ll crash the car and kill us both.

I remember not wanting to leave the house with him in it alone in fear he’d kill the animals.

I remember him slapping me across my face when I was 6 because I was upset when he beat me in a game.

I remember always letting him win because then he’d me upset with me.

I remember him saying my sister is tearing our family apart because she didn’t want to go on the same vacation we always go to.

I remember him yelling at me saying I’ll ruin vacation because my heart was having problems.

I live with the fact that if I show any emotion other than happy he’ll be mad. I live with the guilt of spending money. I live with hating every accomplishment I’ve made because it takes attention away from him and he’ll be upset. I live with the fear he’s mad and hates me if he doesn’t text me back quickly because he loves to give us the silent treatment if we upset him. I live with feeling scared when someone walks behind me because he had hit me on my head when I didn’t want to go on the boat. I live while hating my birthday. I live with anxiety if I ask someone to do what I want to do because he’d yell at me and say I don’t love him if I don’t do what he wants to.
I live with him.
And I lived thinking it was normal.

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