How to tell him he messed you up.

Chapter 1

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call him up and tell him to meet you at the first place you saw him.
when he arrives, sit on the tarmac beside him.
listen to him whinge about the cold;
hold his warm hands in your freezing ones.
when he jumps in shock at the ice-numbness of your fingers, look him in the eye.
tell him very calmly and very quietly that these are the hands which closed around your throat the first time you saw him,
tell him that these are the hands that tore at your soul the first time you spoke to him,
tell him that these are the hands which you gained that night and that still haven't left you.

tell him you still sleep with your shoes on,
tell him that sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of a door slamming in the wind because you were afraid it was someone coming into your room again,
tell him that it's still an effort not to flinch when someone touches you,
tell him that every "i'm sorry" comes out of your mouth sounding like it means "please don't hurt me,"
tell him that every "i love you" sounds like an "i'm sorry."
tell him that you're not scared of hallowe'en anymore because you saw masks every day when he was with your friends.
tell him how those "friends" don't talk to you anymore because they're sick of the falling apart and the lies.
tell him that he taught you to villainise yourself and to victimise everyone else,
tell him that your name is an apology,
tell him that your name is an insult to existence,
tell him that your name does not exist any longer because you are defined by what he is,
what he was,
tell him that you are The Nameless,
and tell him that he'd better be proud of that.
tell him how the smell of flowers sounds like vases smashing against walls,
how i love yous sound like slamming doors and skin on skin,
how rooms with whitewashed walls vacuum every ounce of air from your lungs.
tell him how you didn't think anyone good existed until you met a person who talked of safe words and door stoppers.
and when his eyes go ugly again and he spits angry words into the night-
drop his hands.
stand up.
take a deep breath.

most importantly; walk away.

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