How to: relationship (a guide for forever alone people)

Don't take my advice on anything, I've kissed as many guys as a nun.

Chapter 1

Oh, love, how I would love to dance with you, but sadly I never learned what the use of semicolons is, so this title will make no sense

by: FerSure
Cuddling

Ah, the big C! For girls: cloud nine, equivalent to the combination of chocolate+Instagram+Starbucks and all things stereotypical white girl. For guys: burning in the fiery pits of hell. But here's some positions everyone will enjoy!

Requirements:
One partner (preferably)
Space
School spirit (optional)

1. Spooning

The usual. This one might get boring after a while, despite what "love experts" (I mean really, where did they get their diploma, Clown college?) say. Now, I suggest you go for a more innovative way of spooning that's popular among teenagers currently:
You put ice cream in your partner's face and then proceed to lick them clean. When done, leave them out in the kitchen, sitting on a bowl. If by the morning, no one has washed them, proceed to pour more ice cream and repeat the process. WARNING: make sure cuddling partner has showered before putting ice cream


2. The boogeyman

Have your partner fall asleep on your bed, crawl under bed. When one of their limbs dangle, pull them down and dismember them. Switch positions for optimal experience.


3. The Tate Langdon

Go for their mother.


4. The potato

Nibble on your partner's faces hole lying on top of them. For better results, use bottle of ketchup. Side effects of this position might include death, food poisoning and even returning to the forever alone life. Cuddle at your own risk.


5. Shrek

Cuddle as usual with partner, and when they're about to fall asleep, slowly whisper "Shrek is love. Shrek is life." And pull out an onion. If you want to get extra-romantic, start peeling the onion's layers.

6. The White Girl

Spread Starbucks cups all over the bed, wear uggs and sweat pants or clothes from Forever 21. For best results, use infinity sign/dream catcher bed sheets. Whisper things like "I can't even", "stahhp", "ur perfect bae ily" and everyone's favourite...
...
...
..
"Omg stahhp I can't even ur perf bae ily stay strong"

Bonus!

7. The Smiths

When you're all calm, slowly move your mouth to their ear and whisper: "Let me get my hands on your mammary glands"
Courtesy of http://www.quibblo.com/user/puncturedbicycle
Okay, I'm sorry, I tried to do the fancy orange links for like an hour and I couldn't get it

Help I need ideas!

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