Perfection

Story of my life .-.

Chapter 1

Perfection

I was once so petite
That when I sat in my big wheel
My legs wouldn't reach
Seemed so normal but really an ordeal

In school I apparently didn't have the right shoes
Why did this girl get to decide
What footwear I choose
Such a simple choice that wasn't mine

One day my normal shirt wasn't okay
It didn't have sparkles
So I couldn't play
They wanted perfection every day

I had to act like all the rest
If I wanted to be in the group
Because of course what they think is the best
And I wanted to be in the loop

As I got older things only got worse
I felt alone and ashamed
My body itself had become a curse
And I was the one I blamed

My breasts grew faster than others
I got unwanted glances and attention
And girls in response gave me troubles
By claiming I might be selling my affection

I didn't wear designer jeans
All my clothes were from the Goodwill store
Because my family didn't have the means
And everyone wondered why I didn't do more

And then I was diagnosed with depression
Among many other things
They found out due to my cutting intentions
I didn't mind the razor's stings

I went to therapy
To visit my counselor
Supposedly it'd help with the anxiety
So each week i'd spill my guts to her

My insomnia was another thing
Because it's paired with night terrors
Wondering what each dream'd bring
And realizing my life is an error

The tendency to be OCD
Isn't all that bad
Because at least this one won't kill me
Even though I was still so sad

My mood would swing violently up and down
The name of it is bipolar
And in my tears I felt i'd drown
And i'd die before I was sober

The doctor put me on a million pills
Or at least enough to be addicted
I got be be a zombie in exchange for thrills
Instead of sadness numbness was my affliction

I lazed about wearily
I became lost in wayward weeks
Mumbling about troubling subjects eerily
And at school being known as a freak

Being weighed down made me weigh more
I was 5'3" and 168
No longer the perfect BMI size
And when I was fit I'd still never win the skinny prize

Eating habits fluctuated
I'd binge and starve myself
Three times I was rehabilitated
I took any type of health and put it on a shelf

I'd make myself throw up
Both to lose pounds and get out of school
My brain already clouded with muck
I didn't care if I was a fool

I tried to kill myself numerous times
I always was more of a coward than I liked
Letting friends notice the signs
Catching me before i'd strike

Hiding myself from the world
I thought I could always fade into the crowd
But there was always someone's words to be heard
That made me cry out loud

I wasn't doing anything right
My grades weren't good enough
You need glasses due to imperfect sight
And putting these braces on will feel really rough

Liking girls is something you should hide
Liking both genders is even worse
They think you're just a loose cannon inside
They'll make you a straight Christian by force

And all of this
Oh it isn't even half of it dear
But I suppose you get the gist
If any of this you stayed to even hear.


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