Chapter 1


i'msorryi'msorryi'msorry it's just really loud over here and
i don't remember what it feels like to be okay with small mistakes and
i don't remember what it feels like to get through the day without running through everything i say at least six hundred times and
i'm sorry that i'm being really f♥cking annoying lately it's just that
i don't know how to say that i'm really not doing well at all and
i used to be able to tell people that but now i'm lucky if i tell even one person that my own bones are ripping me to shreds and
i'm sorry that i'm constantly asking you to stay beside me because i'm just going to end up hurting you and
i am a nuclear weapon that's set on self-destruct because no one ever taught me how to live in a way that's not completely self-destructive.

i think i am out of control.
i've got no claws to dig myself out of this hole.
i know that i need to leave because i'm going to hurt you even worse than i did before,
but i don't know how to do that without making you hate me first.
my skin is too tight, my hands are tired, my eyes are red.
it's not even nine in the morning but i'm so tired i could sleep forever;
and my hands are shaking and i just want to run and run and run and run and run until my body screams out every last ache that i can't pinpoint.

i am scared and i am tired and i am losing my mind.


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