The unstoppable Mertle Macduffy.
This story is dedicated to all the under dogs and those who felt like wall flowers at the High School dance.
Is it warm in here or is it just Me?
It was an unusually warm summer in Buffalo Grove Il. 1974 was at it's peak and school was almost over. I looked forward to summer because it meant no more being picked on by My class mates. I found exisisting in the 7th grade quite the hardship. My family was poor and life wasn't always a pleasurable experience. I spent most of my free time alone dreaming. I always felt my life wasn't good enough, living anyones life was better than My own. I decided to try my hand at work. I landed a job at the local roller rink. I wan't steady on my feet even without rollerskates on. I was very over weight and had the worse case of acne buffalo Grove had ever seen. My Mother Gladys was a hypocondriac who spent all day taking her temperature. My Dad Elrod the third was quite extaordinary. He had 12 toes and a voice of a soprano. He told Me was kicked so many times in the groin while at camp His voice registery rose 4 octaves. I always thought he was joking about that story, however the way his face grimmaced while retelling his injury I do tend to believe him. My sister laura Lu is the town diva. Primping all day in the mirror at Her pearly white teeth and perfect perm like no other. My Sister enjoys her friends that she congregates with down at the creek. One year her friend Chester fell in the creek and was bit by a huge tortois and lost his pinky. I was secretly happy because He would throw beer cans at me as I walked home from school. Lauras friends were no friends of mine. Infact I had no friends. People spread rumors about Me. They said I was fat, dumb, and partially blind. My eye glasses were quite thick and called for a large frame. As I walked to work that summer morning . I noticed my sandals were torn apart at the toe. I was already late for work and no time to go back home to fetch a different pair. Aha I said to myself I will wrap my feet in silver duck tape. I always carried duck tape in my suede pouch. I knew one day I would need it. And today was my lucky day! I taped my feet and ran the rest of the way. I entered the roller rink. And Wink Martinbale my boss explained to me I was fired in no uncertain terms. Seems the local town folk were afraid to come and skate, fearing I might have to help lift a fallen patron from the skating rink and that I may lose my balance and fall on top of them. I was mortified. I ran from the rink as far as I could. I wound up at the infamous creek my sister and her friends would frequent. I looked down and contemplated jumping to my demise. Instead I picked up a beer can off the grass and hit myself in the head. I woke up many hours later in the back of a station wagon. I was afraid and disoriented. I yelled help! The driver turned and laughed. To my relief It was My Grandma Marge. She said she had been drinking by the creek and came back to find her misplaced lighter. Thank goodness for small favors I thought silently. Marge dropped me off at farmers market where I stole a cabbage under my shirt. No one was the wiser. I high tailed back to my house as fast as my puggy little legs would carry me. As I entered my front door I could hear sinister laughing from the back porch. It was my Sister. She was laughing and telling someone on the phone that her bike was stolen and she was expecting my Dad to buy her a new one. Laura got everything she wanted. As for me I had to beg borrow and steal. Which reminded me of the dripping cabbage under my tummy roll. I dropped the cabbage and ran up stairs to my room and wept. I sat on the edge of my bed with tear soaked eyes and in the corner of my eye saw my piggy bank hid behind the pickle barrell. To my surprise my piggy was cracked and my life savings heisted! I ran to my mother she said leave me be Child. I just had an enema. I knew that meant keep out of mom's hair for at least 3 days. I ran to my dad next and He was trimmimg the nails on all 12 toes. He looked with a toenail in his front teeth. What is is dear he exclaimed? I said pop , 'someone has stolen my money'. Who would that be dear? Probably Laura Lu. She wants a new bike. Well He said. To bad for You. I was flabberghasted. I decide it was high time I ran away. Off I jumped out the window and landed in the sticker bush. Ouch I screamed! I fell out onto the grass and crawled to my skateboard. I ended up at My Grandmothers house. She said I was better off living with her and that I should mop the floor because company was coming. I complied and never complained again. I was finally