This is me, if you were wondering.

Sorry. Kinda a rant.

Chapter 1

Okay this probably will make you understand who I am, but if it does, you might treat me different... I don't want that. Okay, well here it goes... This is me... When I was in second grade, I first became depressed. I was new to public schools and I hated school because I had like two friends and I wasn't doing well in school because I learned differently. I also was treated differently. People abused my innocence and once dared me to swear. I did it because I didn't know what swearing was... I almost got in trouble for that... But I explained myself. I always have loved music more than my life. Music has literally kept me alive, okay? I committed suicide in second grade. I threatened to for a while and my two friends were scared and talked to a teacher about it... I then tried to kill myself by holding a pillow to my face, stifling my breathing. I almost died, but my cat pushed my face away from the pillow, forcing me to breathe. No one else knows this happened. In second grade when Sofia was bullying Ana, I stood up for Ana and everything worked out well... In third grade everyone hated each other. I was depressed and didn't want to play at recess. I brought books out and my friend had to drag me away from my book to get me to play with her. In fourth grade, that was the only time I felt completely happy. I laughed a lot. I smiled constantly. I loved life then. But then my dog died. She was fourteen. She was a black lab. I loved Holly. She died on Valentines Day... I then became depressed for a while again. I wasn't living, I was existing. In fifth grade I was put in a class with like none of my friends. The friends I had preferred other people in the class and paired up with them instead. I always asked if I could just work alone because I was alone. Ms. Kelley let me. I was good at math. Like very good. In sixth grade everything changed. All of my friends were on other teams and the ones on my team were in none of my classes. I was depressed for a long time. I had Sasha and Ana though. In all of my classes. I became anorexic and depressed and I self harmed. I cut my thighs and used tape to suffocate my wrists. I cried myself to sleep every night. I had no friends. I had a huge major crush on James. I started failing math... I started failing all of my classes. I was getting B s a lot. Except in English. English was the only place I felt okay. I loved English and History. Mr. Kronenburg was my favorite teacher. He understood me. I still cried a lot... But only mentally. I only physically cried three times all of last year. This year however was the worst... I actually have friends this year, but I just want to be invisible. People have rumored about me a lot. They have said I was a lesbian (which shouldn't be considered bad) and so much more... They point me out in the hallway still and when I walk by the quietly stop talking, stare at me and say "Shh, there she is..." I hate being rumored about. I attempted suicide twice this year. Once over the summer and once in the beginning of this year. Kelley has understood me and so has Lauren. They literally are two of the only people I can talk to now. At lunch, I sit down at whatever table and throw away my lunch without eating it. I then sit down and just think about how awful humans are. I hate all of them. I want to be friends with people but I can't... They ALL say they are ugly or about to die or whatever... They joke about suicide or bulimia or anorexia. I HATE that. I take it personally. I take it personally because I was anorexic and still am slightly. If I eat, then that's a good sign because that means I feel happy. That everything's okay. I hate myself so much, honestly, because I am ugly, and I take things too seriously if its about suicide or self harm or something like that. Even DEATH. I am really lame and nerdy and I have no friends. I hate myself a lot. When I look in a mirror I start crying. I have thought about committing suicide. I have cut. I have hurt myself in so so many ways. I am insecure. I can't see anything good about myself and never will. I cry myself to sleep every night. I was ANOREXIC last year. I still am slightly anorexic. I have thought about my funeral so often... What people would say if I died. What people would've wanted to say to me. I hate myself still. I hear the rumors about me. I still hear how awful people think I am. I hate it. SO MUCH. I don't want you to treat me any different after reading this but I wrote a paragraph after someone called me an "attention wh0re".

I want to be invisible. I want to disappear like I did the first eleven years of my life. I want to die more than anything, but I don't matter at all. No one cares what I think. Who I am. No one cares about me. If they did, I wouldn't be so sad all the time. My parents say I don't do anything for them. I fake a smile, pretend everything is okay. Last year I was anorexic and I cut. I was so hurt last year. No one cared about me. I was walking through life without living. No one cares about me now. I am not doing this for attention. Please please please ignore this. For me. I hate myself but want everyone else to be happy. I am annoyed when I get bad grades and people think I'm so so smart. I'm not. I hear the rumors about me. I hate it that people think thy have to talk about me. This year I am seen. I am visible. I cry a lot. That's just me. I am invisible. I have such low self esteem that every time someone tries to take a picture of me I make sure all attention is on something else. I do this because I'm ugly. I never will consider myself pretty. I cry in the mirror at home every time I see myself. I scream every day at five pm because it releases some of the pain. I'm sorry that you are reading this. You don't care. You don't care that every time someone commits suicide I feel it. You don't care because no one does. No one SHOULD. I don't matter. Why would I? Thank you for reading this. Please don't keep this against me. Don't treat me any different than you normally do. Please? I am just a normal girl with struggles of being special. I am average. Less than average. Don't tell me I'm not. I'm just ranting right now. I don't care if you read this. I just want you to know how I feel. I am ugly and stupid and I am quiet. I want to be heard and help people but at the same time I want to go die and cry and be invisible. I love you so much, whomever is reading this. I just hate society. It says that girls have to be tall and thin and pretty and perfect and weak with perfect skin and a large chest. Guys have to be tall and strong and brave and not afraid of anything. If you are bisexual or gay or lesbian, people hate you. I am straight, but should that even matter? No. This is NOT okay. I think that if bisexuals and gays and lesbians are teased that straight people should be too. Ooooh you are straight. That means you like the OPPOSITE GENDER. Oooooh. Yeah, sounds stupid, right? That's because it's stupid to hate someone because of their race or s e x u a l i t y (how is s e x u a l i t y an inappropriate word???) or gender or anything. Society sucks. No one cares about it though. Society makes someone hate themselves so much that they commit suicide and then they apologize and say how amazing they were. As if that will help. I'm sorry about this rant. I'm just so annoyed. Humans are my least favorite species on this planet because we cause the most damage. Thanks for reading this rant. I love you! All of you. Because I don't judge on your past, or anything. <3 I am ugly. I always will be. My friends say I'm gorgeous, but hahahahahahahahahahaa I'm not. My crush on this guy has become so freaking intense... He is all I think about. I'm alive for him. He kills me. Ugh. I want him to just be happy. He has insomnia and understands that humans are awful. It's amazing.
I'm sorry about my spelling/grammar, I'm typing really fast right now. I exercise like crazy, just saying, so that I can be fit and strong for HIM. I love him. I want him to be happy. I want him to understand. He does. I was put on a list of the top 10 girls in our grade of 300-400 people. Every girl in our grade could be a freaking model by the way. Some have been in commercials. Some are magazine models. I'm JUST THERE. Yeah, I kinda suck. Humans are my least favorite species, if you were wondering, haha. My iPod broke. I was using it as a phone. I got it when I was twelve. My only mobile device ever because my parents don't care that I have a social life. My sister got two tablets recently and she's ten. When I was ten, I attempted suicide. I played with sticks and rocks and I had no toys. I had like one or two friends. I am popular now. I have 51 close friends, 29 distant friends, 3 best friends, and I am suicidal, depressed, have anxiety, synesthesia, schizophrenia, and ADD. My sister is normal. Has like 5 friends. She is spoiled, when I was and still am ignored. Oh well.

Thanks for reading any of this. Even just one sentence thank you so much. I wanted to tell someone who I really am. Jubilation is keeping me happy and not completely depressed. It is literally my savior. I can't talk to anyone anymore. I can't trust anyone. Please don't tell anyone about this. Please don't judge me. Music completely keeps me human. It keeps me sane. I acted happy before, but now it's killing me. I'm sorry for having you read this. Now you probably feel sorry for me... Please don't. I still can't sing alone. If I do, I get nervous. Like REALLY nervous. I haven't eaten anything over the past three days except a piece of pizza. I haven't drunk anything. My family doesn't understand. They all treat me like I'm not there. They ignore me. Everyone ignores me though. I'm sorry... Okay please please don't treat me different. PLEASE. I wrote five suicide notes when I was sick. Thanks for reading this...



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