So Today, I Nearly Burned the House Down

Chapter 1

And this is why I don't cook

Well seeing as though I got out alive, I'm going to tell you all how me and host sister attempted to cook dinner for my parents and ended up nearly burning the state of Pennsylvania.

One thing you have to understand is that my current (and almost former) house that I'm living in is a Log cabin, which means its made of wood. Like almost everything is made of wood, the walls, the cabinets, the doors, some of the furniture, almost everything. Now if your smart enough to put two and two together you'll figure out that if there's a flame in the house it basically creates the biggest bonfire of 2014.

So the Kangaroo ( host sister's code name) and I have all the ingredients set out to make these vegetarian enchiladas smothered in cheesy goodness. Then we obviously have the recipe on a paper nearby. You also have to remember that neither of my parents are home, my dad's trucking and my mom's at teacher orientation before school starts. So it would've been like a surprise when they got back,

The only surprise they got was a room filled with smoke and the Kangaroo and I terrified of cooking ever again.

Anyway, I'll take it from the top. The recipe calls for Chile peppers cut, deseeded, and boiled into an oil. The recipe also calls for olive oil boiled in a pan. Simple enough right? Yea, well guess what, this is where we messed up BIG time

Me and the Kangaroo, she's been here a bit less than a week, we're already acting like sisters. Surprisingly we get along very well, I haven't plotted her destruction yet and she hasn't poisoned me, all is good. So while she was slicing the peppers she's like

" Dare you to eat the seeds. "

Me, up for the challenge, " How many? "

" One for now, but the you eat the rest later. " So I pop one in my mouth and give no reaction, it wasn't hot at all. I mean my mouth was supposed to be on fire and I'm just standing there all casual

Now looking back I think it was a sign

Continuing on, we have a skillet up on the stove with the Chile peppers with it slowly boiling into this oil like substance. Next, the Kangaroo gets out a different skillet to put the olive oil in, she places it over the big burner and starts to turn it on.

I stop her because the burner is wobbling like hell, I do my best to adjust the center of it so that its not wobbling as much, she puts it on the burner again and turns it on 'High' . Why didn't we just use the small burner you ask? COOKING LOGIC!! Rule one- Big skillet or pan and small burners don't go together, they. just. don't. Easy as pie.

That might've been another sign there...

The next thing the recipe called for was onions, so she has this GINORMOUS knife cutting onions, and she's bawling while laughing at the same time. I'm laughing like " Do you want so bubble gum?!?! "

She's like " It'll damage my brackets!!!! "

I'm like, " Screw that, races into room to my bubble gum stash and runs out ARE YOU SURE?!? " While of course popping a piece of Dubble Bubble into my mouth.

She's like " Yea I'm sure! " Then she paused and glanced at the stove, proceeding to scream. So I glance over


Ok, ok. So it wasn't the stove itself, but remember that pan we filled with the olive oil?


It was on fire.

Like there are these f(u)cking flames rising in the air threatening to consume the cabinet above it, including enveloping the OIL stove, and nipping the recipe that hangs from a cabinet knob. The pot itself, in the base of the fire, is this freaky pure-white-angel-from-heaven color while the flames itself are a bright orange.

I SCREAM , I don't know why, but there's just something about turning around and seeing that you have a special ability of burning a substance close to water.

The Kangaroo's scrambling around like " GET THE RECIPE, GET THE RECIPE!!!! "

I grab the handle of the flaming pan.

The Kangaroo grabs the recipe.


By then the flames were about 3 feet high and looking like the grim reaper was gunna come out any moment to take my soul.

Mikayla ( the Kangaroo's actual name) yells, " PUT IT UNDER WATER!!! QUICK!!! "

That. Has got to be. The WORST idea. She as ever had. In her life.

She slams up the faucet lever, water pours out into the sink. I put it under the water.

IT WAS LIKE AN EXPLOSION!!!!! The flames started to stop but then it was like SHWOOSH!!!!!! and the flames rose even HIGHER, with smoke pouring out in this stream of greyish white. It was like there was a dragon just breathing under the pan, it was that bad. Like there was this constant stream of white fire shooting EVERYWHERE, in ALL directions.

Me and Mikayla, We BOTH scream bloody murder. Water has covered the floor after that little splash, and the faucet is still running.

I don't know how the f(u)ck I did it but I managed to make sure that nothing caught on fire, not even the curtains, not the cabinets, not even ME.

So now here I stand, holding a skillet 2 feet away from my body, crackling sparks, shooting fire towards the roof. Mikayla's running around the house like " WHERE'S THE PHONE?! WHERE'S THE PHONE?! "


She continues yelling, " WHERE'S THE PHONE?! "

So I step in front of her and I'm like " HOLD THIS!! " Trying to pass the flaming gate to hell in my hands over to her ( seriously, try to imagine this)

It didn't work. I'm still holding my very own piece of hell ( how lucky am I? ), Mikayla's racing around the house, my arm's feel like they are turning to crispy bacon. The Kangaroo finally gets an idea,


A very bad idea, but it was still an idea. I just try to move and the flames roll over towards my face. Now speaking from personal experience, I can say it does not feel good to have flames seem to lick your face.

Suddenly the burner threw a dash of sparks along the stove.

Now this is were things get a little foggy, because somehow, someway, we managed to get the flames extinguished. We didn't use water, we didn't use a lid, not a fire extinguisher, but whatever it was.

It worked.


After setting down the pan I immeaditly threw my hands up to my face to check for my eyebrows ( they were still there, thankfully). Then continued to shut off the stove, the oven. Open all the windows and doors, and try to get the smoke out of the house before dad came home.

Mikayla did call my mom though, who told us to just chill out on the couch ( while she was flipping out over the phone). Apparently, I guess she called my dad because he walked through the door singing that Christmas song" ♫ Chestnuts roasting...over the open fiiiiiire... Olivia and Mikayla... nearly burning-the-house-down-to-a-crisp..... Children laughing... ♫ "

My guardian angel must be face palming

But ( as my gram told unto me) to thank him for letting me live. Because according to her on how bad it was, I could've/should've died...

awkward silence


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