Funny Things You are not Alowed to do at Hogwarts

Here is my list of things not to do at Hogwarts all funny!!! P.S. is still waiting for my Hogwarts letter!!!! Wait cross that out I'm going Ya'll!!!! SEE U LATER SUCKERS DON"T WORRY I WILL STILL POST AWESOME STUFF FROM HOGWARTS CAUSE I AM JUST AWESOME LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!! :P

Chapter 1

What not to do at Hogwarts no matter how funny you think it might be.

I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow

Ask the Weasley Twins if they do everything together it is ill advised

I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry's Father

Will not sing "We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of OZ" when on sentenced to the Headmaster's office

I will not ask Voldemort if he is secretly Hitler or Osama Bin Laden

I will not dress up as Voldemort and say to Harry Potter "I am your father" just to see him scream like a little girl

I will not refer to umbridge as the "Wicked witch of the West" nor shall I infer that she will melt if water is poured on her.

I will not sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" when Umbridge gets stampede by centaurs

I will not attempt to make Professor Trelawney's predictions come true

I will not owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected Death-Eaters

Regardless of how much Professor's Snape's hair annoys me I will not sneak into his room at night and cut it all off.

It is considered rude to send Snape shampoo and toothpaste for Christmas , no matter how much you think he needs it

I will not under any circumstance call Professor Snape, Snivellus

I will not sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I will survive in the mirror, as it is very disturbing

I will not send love notes to Professor Snape that appear to be from Professor Lupin, Sirius doesn't like it.

I will not under any circumstance ask Professor Snape to show me how to make a love potion

I will not tell Professor Snape that he needs to get laid

The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Snape is not a Bowling Pin. I will not attempt to prove so otherwise

I will not speak to Professor Snape with an Transylvanian accent

Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" will not get me extra points in potions

The Slytherin perfect's name is Draco Malfoy not "Rocky Horror"

Skiving snack boxes are not suitable gifts for first years

I will not feed annoying first years to fluffy

Announcing "Save a Broomstick, Ride a Wizard" is not an appropriate way to end a Quidditch match

Singing "If I were a rich man" in front of the Weasley's is rude

I will not say to Professor Lupin "Hey were you in that episode of Dr.Who" he will not respond nicely

I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they are basically useless, because Hogwarts's smartest student is in another house

Potter-6 Voldy-0 is not an appropriate or valid t-shirt slogan

To piss off Hermione granger write "Hermione Granger was here" on a couple of library books.

Should I chance to see a death-eater with a white mask I will not start singing anything from the phantom of the opera

I will not tell Professor Lupin that once you go Black there is no going back

I will not greet Professor Mcgonagal with "what's new pussycat?"

I will not bring a magic 8 ball to Divination

I must try not to feed Mrs. Norris blast ended skrewts, nor should I feed blast ended skrewts Mrs. Norris....

I will not give Professor Mcgonagal a ball of string for Christmas

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as Mario and Luigi, nor will I refer to Ginny and Hermione as Peach and Daisy

Comparing Draco Malfoy to Lex Luther and Harry Potter to Clark Clint not suitable topic for a Muggle Studies essay

I will not ask Draco Malfoy if his Animagus form is a ferret

I am not allowed to wear Death-Eater robes to dinner and shout long live Voldemort just because I think it's funny

Will not go up to Voldemort and say I got your nose

No matter how much he annoys me I will not obviate Professor Lockhart's mind

I will not refer to Harry and Ginny as Link and Zelda

I will not under any circumstance hide Professor Dumbledore's Lemon drops

Despite the appearance of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth

Yelling "To Infinity and Beyond" is only funny the first time you ride a broom

The "I hate Snape Club" is not a valid after class activity

I will not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle as team rocket, nor will I refer Hermione, Ron, and Harry, as Ash Brock and Misty

Harry Potter's real parent's aren't from Krypton, nor is his real name Clark Kent

Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop referring to him as "The Jolly Green Giant"

I will not suggest Hagrid buy 3 headed dogs from strangers in pubs and hide them in Hogwarts

Mail order dinosaurs are not a good birthday present to give to Hagrid no matter how much of a good discount you got on them

Even though they are more effective and easier to use, I will not use a gun against the Death-Eaters

I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is

I will not ask Ginny what the best way to strangle a rooster is

The giant squid is not to be referred to as "My Lord Cthulhu" nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon

I will not suggest that George bush is related to or working for Voldemort

I will not grab Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh while he tries to reach it

I will not turn Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony"

I will not charm the words "bouncy little ferret" onto Draco Malfoy's forehead

I am not possessed by the Ghost of Lady Macbeth, neither is the Fat lady

Our headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore Not "Gandalf"

Sending Dumbledore love letters signed 'Your Kitten' is not an ethical way to skip Transfiguration Class (but it's effective!)

Dumbledore is not a hippy, I must not insuate that he is

I am not to conjure the words "Drink me" onto any vial in Professor Snape's classroom

I will not under any circumstances tell Draco Malfoy that I know about his affair with Hermione Granger

Enchanting the sorting hat into sorting pupils into the house of Martok or any other Klingon house is forbidden

Dobby is not Yoda in disguise ( or so they say...........)

I will not die the Death-Eater robes red and gold for my amusement

If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage of the fact and draw a dark mark on their arm

I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the dark mark on any part of my body

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even If I have access to a time turner

No matter how annoying he is I will not send Colin Creevey a howler signed Lord Voldemort

I will not sell tickets to 1st years to see the chamber of secrets nor will I leave them down there.

I will not under any circumstance ask Professor Mcgonagal if she is really Cat woman in disguise

I will not bungee jump from the astronomy tower, no matter how much fun it might be

Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell 1st years that they are

I am not allowed to ask Purebloods if their parents were to get a divorce would they still be brother and sister?

I will stop insisting that Hogwarts has a 'Bring a Muggle to School Day'

'Beaters do it with wood' is not funny even if the only people not laughing are the Weasley's Twins and Olivier

I will stop asking the arithmetic teacher what the square root of 1 is.

I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a sheet of parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets to ancient ruins even though Crabbe and Goyle fall for it every time

Teaching First years to chorus in unison to sing "The Amazing Bouncy Ferret" whenever they hear Draco Malfoy's name is just wrong, funny, but wrong

Shouting "Accio Dobby" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance

I will not insuate that the 4 houses are the Mormons, the Borons, the Smartasses, and the Junior Death-Eaters

1st years are not toys, and I should not teach the giant Squid to fetch them (or fluffy either)

I will not run up on stage while Justin Beiber is performing and point my wand at him shouting "Avada Kavara" no matter how much I want to ( I made this one up at last minute, funny right?????)

Hope you enjoy, some of these are some that I made myself, some are others that I found

P.S. Was in the middle of reading comments and came up with a couple of new ones so here is the new ones I am adding!!

I will not tell first years that when Snape did it with an apple that was how Snapple was created!!! LOLZ!!!!! Snape + Apple = Snapple!!!!

The giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms"

I do not weigh the same as a duck

42 is no the answer to every question on the OWLS

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

I am no the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor

When fighting Death-Eaters in the annual June battle of good vs. evil I will not point up my wand and shout "There can be only ONE!"

I will not say the phrase "Dude get a life" to Voldemort

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library

There is not now, nor has there ever been a 5th house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

I will not refer to the Accio Charm as "The Force"

I will not use Slytherin and/or Gryffindor 1st years as Christmas Tree decorations

Calling the Ghost Busters is a cruel joke to play on the residential ghosts and poltergeists

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors

I will not claim my X-File tapes are "Aurora Training Videos"

When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I will not wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for"

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort

I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order just to see what happens

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing

I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindor in a room together and start making bets on which house will come out alive

I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals

I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count as extra credit

My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps

I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

Voldemort is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts

I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Artithmancy exams

I will not make light saber sounds with my wand

I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween

I will not wear my DEATH-EATER AND PROUD OF IT!!! t-shirt to school

It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF" every time I apparate

I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and used it to patrol the hallways

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the hallways

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously

"To Conquer the Earth with an Army of Flying Monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice

I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I've Got the Power!"

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology

"I've heard ever possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

I will not go to class skyclad

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"

House-elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar

I will not lick Trevor

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental

My name is not Captain Subtext

I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on the table no matter how bored I become

First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster" not "My Liege"

If asked in class what he Avada Kedavra spell does in class, yelling "It does DEATH" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer

If the thought of a spell make me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it

I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition

I will not claim that there is a Prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins

"OMGWTF" is not a spell

I will not under any circumstances Died and ask who made him boss

I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannana Abbott, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup

I will not cast the occasional Obilivate spell on Dumbledore, even though it would be amusing

I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors pixie stixs

I will not yell "Believe it ... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches

I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherin Day

It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" everytime Snape takes away points from Gryffindor

Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not get me extra house points

I will not send grease remover to Snape at Christmas

I will not insist that Harry Potter is actually a Death-Eater

Upum Yourum Arseum is not a real spell

I will not insist that I have an invisibility thong

Any resemblance between Snape and the Dementors is coincidental

I will not organize a Hogwarts pillow fight between the houses in the Great Hall

To be Lord Voldemort's apprentice is not a good career choice

I will not tell first years that Hagrid's middle name is Kong

It is not necessary to shout "That's mean" everytime Snape takes away points from Gryffindor

Telling the first years to perform the hokey Pokey will not earn you extra House Points

I will not ask a centaur about his/her mating habits

I am not allowed to set up first years on a blind date with fluffy

I will not assassinate the DADA teacher to get it over with

I will not play 'Go Fish' or 'Snap' with Professor Trelawney's tarot card deck

I am not the Wicked Witch of the West... neither is Professor Umbridge

I will not ask a Hufflepuff when they are going to huff and puff my house down

Blowing kisses at Professor Snape is not appropriate

Saying "How Sweet!" whenever Snape and Draco Malfoy lay eyes on each other is not appropriate

I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking

When asked a question by a teacher I will not insist that the answer is secured by a Fedelius Charm and that I am not its Secret Keeper

I will not give a "Chosen by Whom, Exactly?" t-shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas

Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins

I will not tell first years that the new Gryffindor password is 'Petrifus Totalus' and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves

I will not tell Ron Weasley that his sister was caught snogging Crabbe

Asking Draco and Snape "Whens the Wedding" is only funny a few times

I will not send out a Howler chain letter that says "If you do not send this to 10 other students in the next 24 hours you will get kissed by Professor Snape"

I will not hang up a sign that says "Reserved for Draco Malfoy" on the girls bathroom door

I will not put up a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony rides 3 sickles"

I will not make fun of Professor's Lupin's time of the month

I will not set up an underground dueling arena

I will not leave shampoo with instructions on how to properly wash his hair on Snape's desk

I must not point the Dark Mark in the sky and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

I can refer to Cornelius Fudge as the "Minister of Munchkins"

Whistling the Matrix soundtrack whenever Snape walks past is inappropriate

Yelling "Thunderbirds are Go!" whenever Professor Mcgonagal gets mad is immature

Singing the Oompa Loompa song around Professor Flitwick is not amusing

Setting Hermione on a blind date with Flint is not funny

Asking Professor Mcgonagal how old she is, is insulting

Suggesting Botox to Professor Mcgonagal is inappropriate

Convincing first years that you are God on Polyjuice is not cool

Giving Malfoy a ferret for Christmas is not the perfect present

Recording Ron's snoring and telling first years it's actually bigfoot is irresponsible


Nor is his first name Neo

I may not pay first years a galleon to pee in Moody's hipflask

Hope you enjoy these, If I find or come up with any more I will add it, and when I run out of room I will create a second chapter ya'll!

I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or "Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower." I will not send the letter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member.

No matter how good of a Australian Accent I can do, I will not do an Steve Irwin Impersonation during Care of Magical Creatures Class.

I will not not sign up the Great Lake to be the Summer Olympics Swimming Pool

The Forbidden Forest is Forbidden for a reason.

Will stop telling Everything that you are what you eat and that is why Voldemort is a Unicorn

I will stop telling everyone that Draco Malfoy started a Hug a Muggle Campaign

I will stop insisting that Muggle airplanes fly over Hogwarts and force 1st to go to the top of the towers with torching screaming Go Away! Go Away!

I will not use magic to make the speed of light 30 mph and watch as my fellow students and teachers rediscover relativity

I will not convince 1st years that how you study is by balancing the books on top of your head and that gravity will pull the information down into your brain , nor will I stay up all night laughing at them while they do it

I will not charm my best friends pumpkin juice and convince them to flirt with Professor Mcgonagal or Professor Snape for that matter

I will not end every sentence I speak with "as the prophecy says" to get extra points in divination class

I will not paint on unibrows, mustaches, or other facial marks on the portraits while they are sleeping

I will not start rumors on Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy's secret love affair.

I will not convince first years that Jesus's animagus form is the Easter Bunny

I will not teach the giant squid how to juggle 1st years

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as bookends

I will not charm Snape to do the Macharaina (or any other dance for that matter)

I will not yell at Ron and Herimone "Get a Room" whenever they start a fight

Will not convince the Weasley twins to invent Anti-Anti Cheating Quills

Will not tell first years it's safe to swim in the Great Lake after Dark

Will not start a witch burning, even if asked to do a presentation for my Muggles Studies Class

Will not draw an identical scar on Draco Malfoy's forehead that looks just like Harry's just to freak him out

Will not moon the Slytherins during Quidditch matches and convince the first years in the other houses to join along with me

Astronomy class will not cause me to get abducted by aliens

I Will come with more later!!

This one was added by my friend Salocin also known as cin86

I will not tell people that Snape is really Harry's father, no matter how much I believe it to be true.

This one is from RavenclawRules

I will not blow up Snape's office and claim it was Seamus.

This one is from KateKat

Don't.convince the first years that going into the forbidden Forest and playing survival is not extra credit for dada class and nor is planting a new whomping willow extra credit for herbology...... Especially if you plant it in the dining hall..... Or anywhere in the castle for that matter!(no matter how fun it would be.....)

From Pineyapple

I will not hand Snape a piece of paper with a picture of him and squidward on it and it have it captioned "Exactly Identical", nor shall I make flyers and pass them around the school.

From blueinsanity

I will not give Voldomort a hitler moustache in his sleep.

I will not try to water the whomping willow with coffee.

I will not send Voldemort tap dancing shoes for Christmas or on any other occasion.

I will not use poly juice potions to masquerade as dumbledore or any other significant professor

I already know what a hufflepuff is and thus do not need to shout 'what the hell is a hufflepuff' every time they get a mention in the great hall

Hogwarts is not actually a tardis no matter how big it is on the inside

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