No Place To Go; A Twilight Parody

The Cullen family is broke. But... There is one place they can go...
With laughs, jokes, and some serious bits (but not really). Jasper is... Confused, Edward is a hory vampire, Rosalie is in love with painting her face, Emmett has a bunny costume fetish... And lot's more!

Chapter 1


by: Cosmiic
“ALICE!!” Carlisle yelled from the living room.
“Yes?” She asked, skipping to his side instantly.
“You blew half of our saving on… Shoes… Clothes… and condoms!!” Carlisle scolded, scanning through his bank account history.
“Oops!” Alice giggled, not knowing the seriousness of the situation.
“And Jasper, so blew 13,000 dollars on cowboy hats!”
“But I love my hats!!” He sobbed, clutching at the pink sparkly hat on his head.
“Emmett… 9,000,000 on BUNNY COSTUMES!!”
“That… Wasn’t me…” Emmett replied shiftily.
“Emmett, you’re not fooling anyone. You have a bunny costume on right now.” Alice pointed out.
“Rosalie… 19,000 on face paints?!” He yelled.
“Yes?” Rose looked up from reading her magazine, today painted as a cute panda.
“Edward… 45,000,000,000 on Japanese Love Pillows… And blow up dolls…?”
Eddy shrugged. “Bella is boring, frigit, and incredibly conflicted about losing her virginity.”
They heard the door close. Esme was home.
“Oh no!” Esme screamed as she ran into the living room.
“What is it?” Jasper asked, and he stopped riding his imaginary horse.
“I have been fired from my boring fake-ass job!” She sobbed.
The computer made a ping noise.
“You have mail, you have mail…” The whole Cullen family burst into song.
Carlisle clicked his email.
“Oh no!” He gasped dramatically.
“Carly, you already know that those penis enlargement pills don’t work…” Esme told him.
“I’ve been fired from my boring fake-ass bitchy job!” He wailed.
“Oh no!” Alice screamed.
“And you creepy ass children blew all our money!” Carlisle yelled.
“What are we going to do?” Jasper screamed.
“We have no money to keep the house!” Alice yelled again.
“Where will we go?” Emmett sobbed into Edward’s shoes.
“Well… There is one place we could go…” Edward thought out loud.

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