Fred and George Weasley's Jokes!

Fred and George Weasley's Jokes!

Chapter 1

I hope you enjoy!

One night Fred came home with a black eye
George: Fred, who gave you that shiner?
Fred: My girlfriend...
George: I thought she was out of town.
Fred: That's what I thought, too.
George: I heard Alicia say that you kissed her last night
Fred: I didn't! And besides, she promised not to tell!
Fred: A girl named Dorothy, age six, was watching as her mother put cold cream on her face and asked "What's that for Mom?"
"It's face cream to make me beautiful"
A little while later, after the cold cream had been removed, Dorothy looked at her mother for a minute, shook her head and said sadly "Didn't work, did it mom?"
Ginny: Fred! Wake up! I heard a mouse squeak
Fred: What do you want me to do? Get up and oil it?
Fred: I saw a baby that gained ten pounds in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk.
George: Really? Whose baby was it?
Fred: The elephant's.
Mrs. Weasley just got a beautiful skunk coat as a gift from Fred this Christmas.
Mrs.Weasley: Thank you dear, but I can't see how a nice coat comes from such a foul-smelling beast
Fred: I don't ask for thanks Mom, but I do think I deserve respect.
Fred: Who is your Girlfriend voting for?
George: Whoever I'm voting for.
Fred: So who you voting for?
George: She hasn't decided yet.
A music professor saw George carrying a long music case.
Professor:"George, I see you bought a saxophone.
George: No, I just borrowed it from the man next door.
Professor: But why did you? You can't play it can you?
George: No, but neither can the man next door.
George visiting the aquarium, asked an attendant "Can you tell me if I could get a live shark here?"
Attendant: A live shark? What ever could you do with a live shark?
George: Well, our neighbor's cat has been eating my gold fish and I want to teach him a lesson
Doctor: What would the first thing you do if you had rabies and could die any second?
George: I'd ask for a pencil and paper.
Doctor: To make your last will?
George: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.
George: I saw a man strike a girl today.
Fred: What did you do?
George: I walked up to him and said "Only a coward would hit a woman- why don't you hit a man?"
Fred: Then what happened?
George: That's all I remember.
Fred: I'm gonna give you two minutes to take back what you said
George: And what if I don't take it back in two minutes???
Fred: Then I'll give you longer.
Fred: What did you get that silver medal for?
Ginny: For singing.
Fred: What about that big gold medal?
Ginny: For stopping.
George: Mom, do you remember the vase that you have always worried I would break?
Mrs. Weasley: Yes. What about it?
Fred: Your worries are over.
George: I had a dream last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and I was sampling it when I-
Fred: Yes, What happened?
George: Then I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone.
George: Malfoy's so ugly when he joined the ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly just after he was born, his mother said "Oh, what a treasure!" and his father said, "Yeah, now let's go bury it."

George: Malfoy's so ugly they push his face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly they didn't even give him a costume when he auditioned for Star Wars.

George: Malfoy's so ugly when he walks into a bank, they turn the surveillance cameras off.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly his mom had to be drunk to breast feed him.

George: Malfoy's so ugly his mom had to tie a steak around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly when he walks down the street people say, "Damn, is it Halloween already?"

George: Malfoy's so ugly the government moved Halloween to his birthday.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly they pay him to put his clothes on in a strip club.

George: Malfoy's so ugly he made an onion cry.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly he tried to take a bath but the water jumped out.

George: Malfoy's so ugly on Halloween he Trick or Treats via owl.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly he turned Medusa to stone.

George: Malfoy's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in his shower.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly people go as him for Halloween.

George: Malfoy's so ugly The QWC (Quidditch World Cup) banned him for life.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly, when he looks in the mirror, the reflection looks back shaking it's head.

George: Malfoy's so ugly, he looks like his face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like him, I pinned a tail on it.

George: Malfoy's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see him.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly, he looks like he got hit with a bag of "What the f^ck?!?!"

George: Malfoy's so ugly, he'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness.

Fred: Malfoy's so ugly, his pillow cries at night.
red and George Weasley's Pickup LinesDid you survive Avada Kedavra? Cause your drop dead gorgeous.

Fred: I heard you're a Gryffinwhore (Why?) Because you let every wizard Slytherin!

George: "My name might not be Luna, but I sure can Lovegood"

Fred: Girl, are you sure you're a muggle cause I'd swear that ass is magical!

George: I wanna stick my "Sorcerer's Stone" in your "Chamber of Secrets" and release "The Prisoner of Azkaban" into your "Goblet of Fire" giving the "Order of the Phoenix" making my "Half Blood Prince" rise and giving you the "Deathly Hallows"

Fred: "I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets"

George: I'm just like oliver wood, baby. I'm a keeper!

Fred: My wand has chosen you!

George: Save a broom; ride a Quidditch player

Fred: Hey, baby; I must be in the Room of Requirement, because I require YOU!

George: Wow, when I said "Accio hottie", I didn't expect it to work!

Fred: Want to learn to speak troll? Don't worry I can get you grunting in no time.

George: I'll remember to protect my wand when entering your chamber of secrets!

Fred: Lets practice can be the door so I can slam you all I want!

George: "Have you been using Accio? Cuz I've been coming to you every night"

Fred: Would you like to whomp my willow?

George: "Let me Slytherin your Gryffindor."

Fred: Did you survive Avada Kedavra? 'Cause you're drop dead gorgeous.

George: Im not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I could still visit your restricted section tonight?

Fred: I wanna be your Dumblewhore.

George: If you were a Dementor, I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss.

Fred: My love for you burns like a dying phoenix.

George: Wanna explore my chamber of secrets?

Fred: My house is called the Shrieking Shack for a reason. I'll show you tonight.

George: Being without you is like being afflicted with the Cruciatus Curse.

Fred: I wanna open you wide like a book in the restricted section!

George: Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.

Fred: Your kiss is like a dementor's........It takes my soul away!

George: Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready.

Fred: Together we could really make the 'Shrieking Shack' worthy of its name.

George: You must have given me some Skelegrow, 'cause my bone is really growing right now.

Fred: I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky.

George: Without you I feel like I'm in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul.

Fred: (Points wand at girls crotch and says).... Alohamora!

George: Going to bed? Mind if I Slytherin?"

Fred: You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone.

George: Speak Parseltongue to me and I'll let my snake out!

Fred: Can I Slytherin your Ravenclaw or would you rather Hufflepuff my Gryffindor?

George: Wanna make me moan like Myrtle?

Fred: Did you just use the stupify charm or are you a natural stunner?

George: Even though I am in Gryffindor, every time I see you something in my pants is Slytherin!

Fred: Forget the train honey, just hop on my platform 9 and 3 quarters

George: You must be magical, because I've fallen under your spell.

Fred: Just the thought of your wand makes me spill my potion!

George: I can be anything you want me to be... I've got enough Polyjuice for the whole night!

Fred: I don't need accio, to make you come!

George: You don't even have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on!

Fred: I could make you scream louder than a mandrake!

George: I am a seeker, are you my golden snitch?

Fred: I would take a marauders map just to stare at you all night!

George: Screw Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin, the only house I wanna be in is yours

Fred: We may not be in professor Flitwick's class, but you sure are charming!

George: You must be really good at Transfiguration! (Why?) Because you've changed my life.

Fred: Have you been using the Petrificus Totalus spell? Because you've made me stiff.

George: Mind if I Weasley my way into your pants?

Fred: I may not be the boy who lived, but I can still be your chosen one.

George: I don't need aguamenti to make you wet!

Fred: Come on, let's do it Hippogriff style!

George: If I were a sorting hat, I'd put you in my house!

Fred: Baby, you don't need defense against my dark arts.

George: One night with me and they'll be calling you MOANING Myrtle.

Fred: If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together.

George: I may not speak parseltongue but if you let me Slytherin to your bed I can show you what my tongue can really do!

Fred: I may not be Harry Potter, but I can be your chosen one.

George: I was the one who gave Moaning Myrtle her nickname!

Fred: I'm like devils snare. It only gets more painful if you struggle!

George: You can have the portkey to my heart.

Fred: Did you just say "Wingardium Leviosa"? Cause you've got me rising, baby.

George: You're so hot, Aguamenti couldn't put you out!

Fred: I've been whomping my willow thinking about you!

George: Being without you is like being under a Cruciatus Curse!

Fred: You have two choices tonight, come with me and you'll see love spells. Go with him and you'll see Hog-WARTS!

George: My wand? 12 inches, unyielding.....

Fred: You don't need to say "Incendio" to light my fire

George: Let's have a Tri-Wizard tournament

Fred: Is your name Felix Felicis? Cause you're about to get lucky!

George: I've got two Bertie Bott's beans and a wand, wanna taste?

Fred: I use to go to the Astronomy Tower to see stars, but now I can just look into your eyes!

George: I don't need the Mirror of Erised to know that you're everything I desire.

Fred:My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!

George: Come here, I'll show you a REAL Patronus.


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