Need a laugh?

Here is a collection of uplifting quotes, posts and stupid things like that. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1

My clever chapter title is... Chapter One

Quotes:

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.-Ashleigh Brilliant

When someone writes unknown instead of anoynomous, they usually don't know how to spell it. -unknown.

Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape. -some guy my friend talked to at a rec center.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one. - Bill Gates

Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.

Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.


Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.


Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’- Bruce Baum

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Facebook Statuses:

There is a fine line between being tan and looking like you rolled in Doritos

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine ASAP to avoid any further confusion.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what is wrong with you.

I want to change my name on Facebook to "No One," so when I try to add people, it will say, "No One wants to be your friend."

Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption".

When I drive, if you beep your horn 1 second after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?

Some people u know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

Friend texted me and asked “what does IDK stand for?” I said “I dont know” she replied “OMG! nobody does!”

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

I can't understand why some people cry when chopping onions. Personally I find it better to not get emotionally attached .

Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back.

"Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.

I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell GOT IT then run away.

The Great Unanswered Question in Life: "At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?"

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

Just saw the most amazing thing. The people near me at this coffee shop are having a loud, obnoxious meeting (one on Skype) about their new horrible hipster business. They are mulling over possible website names. They’ve listed about 20 of them and laughed and patted each other on the back. Guy behinds me says very loudly “just so you know. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes buying all of your domain names… if you want them back, I’ll sell them to you” They stopped talking and left. It was awesome.

Why do doctors give medicine to fix one thing which could cause 10 other issues and one of those issues happens to be death?

There are so many scams on the Internet now days, but for $19.95 i can show you how to avoid them

Asteroids are nature's way of asking "how's that space program coming along?"

Wish me luck. I'm about to tell this highway it's adopted.

Hey guys! I live in a soundproof house with no doors or windows and I'd just like to thank all 900 of you for your status updates telling me there's a storm outside because I wouldn't have known otherwise and I like to keep in touch with the world. Thank you very much!

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it

When you really want to slap someone, do it and yell "Mosquito!"

Facebook is like prison. You write on walls all day and get poked by people you don't know.

There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

If you ever buy a large TV, remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash can so they get robbed and not you.

How do I approach my neighbors and tell them that their Wi-Fi isn't working properly and they might need to reset the modem?

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 5 minutes and I thought: 'Wow! Dogs are easily entertained"... Then I realized, I was watching a dog chase its tail for 5 minutes.

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

I hate when i don't forward a chain letter and die the next day

95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

Just painted a blue square in my yard to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.

I feel lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliant paintings of tunnels

I think I'm the only person that understands that "hacking" doesn't mean getting on someone's facebook that they're already signed in to

The only thing standing between me and greatness is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.

I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters

The most Ineresting Man In The World:

He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.

He knows who Jane Doe is, but isn’t telling.

He is so famous, his security needs security

He let the dogs out

He once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King -- and got one.

He onced warned a psychic.

from other people.
some people just need a pat, on the head, with a hammer.

"In a stop light, green means go and yellow means yield. In a banana, green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana?"

"I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life." all from PrimForever_Gryffindor

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