Chapter 1

This sucks.

I hate myself. There's people out there with worse problems and yet I can't help but to dwell on my own, insignificant ones. I swore to myself I wouldn't complain or make problems for people a while ago, that'd I'd just smile and put forth my best attempt to comfort other people, but here I am...Dammit...I'm so pathetic...I see all these people that I want to help, but I just can't find the words to say to them.......terrific writer, yeah right. I hate when adults say that I have some much potential, cause I don't.
All the things I love, I suck at. I love music. All I can play is the violin. I took piano for five years, and I never learned how to read the left hand. There are four instruments sitting in my house I would love to learn how to play, but I don't know how to learn. I wanna get a piercing, terrified of needles. I like drawing, but my work is crap. I used to be such a book nerd, but now I can't find any that look interesting. I have a cat, and I love him, but animals kinda scare me...I don't even think my cat likes me at all....I really really like to write, but none of my friends want to read what I write....that's okay.....it was all worthless anyway.

I think I made my mom cry.
My mom pretty much thinks that I'm lesbian. I don't have any thing wrong with gay people or bis, lesbians, all that...but I'm not......it hurts me that she would think that. I mean, where are you in life when your mom isn't supporting how you feel? She doesn't understand me at all. Like I'm some alien freak she got stuck with. She also wants me to get confirmed as a Catholic, but I'm not all that religious. She thinks I hate her. She keeps threatening to kill my cat because he messes with her carpets.
Sometimes I'm not sure who my friends are. I've lost my childhood best friend. He rides my bus, we're neighbors, we look so much alike that several people have thought that we were siblings, but I just don't know what to say to him anymore besides something like "hey, how's the weather" and he's just like "look outside the window smart one." Seriously. We used to be so close, but not anymore....My other best friend goes to high school on the other side of the city, and she's so busy I never see her. My other friend is sorta mean...and I honestly don't know if my other friends take much notice of me.

I don't know why I don't get bullied... I guess the people around me so far are just too nice to say what we all know. It's not like I need them to make myself feel bad, I can just do it myself.

I've seen six or seven people that I really want to get to know, be friends with, that, but I can't get the courage to even talk to them. Half of my friends I never would've talked to if another friend hadn't dragged me up to them. One of my friends likes to joke that I never would've talked to him if another one of my friends hadn't been in that class with us, except on the last day of school I probably would've told him that his backpack was amazing, and then run for the hills. Another of my close friends told me that sometimes she prefers me depressed than cheerful because I'm less annoying that way. Knowing her sense of humor, it was a joke, but still...I'm pathetically sensitive. I was telling one of my friends about the awful day I was having two weeks ago, and long story short, she called me whiny and walked away, then completely forgot about it while I was freaking out about having to see her the next day. Sometimes I wonder if people ever notice I'm there. The person that really cares about me is on the other side of town. The other one that did has become a completely different person that I can't talk to anymore. I feel like I'm bothering people if I say something to them, and they didn't start the conversation. So if I don't respond to your messages or comment on your stories, that's why... I can't even tell someone that the band on his T-shirt is my favorite band.
I need tutoring in biology, but I don't want to ask for help because the tutors are all seniors and they kinda scare me.


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