How to: Not write like Tara Gilesbie (author of My Immortal)!~

No offense to any uber goffik Quibblonians who find this post

I bet I know what you're thinking: not another one of those stuck up kids writing a guide on how to write well! Well, that's exactly what this is. However, I think you should stay because you've probably never read one of these rants from the perspective of an angry cat-obsessed Quibblonian!

Chapter 1

How to write like a proper human being- Update one

by: FerSure
1. Don't flipping do another one of those tacky "character profiles"
You've probably heard this a million times. Well, this is your millionth one time, and I'm saying it because SOME PEOPLE STILL DO IT. Holy cheese sticks, keep it to yourself! Why is it that some of you feel the need to paste it right there in the first chapter, to ruin my reading experience? Do you really hate me that much?

Describe your character as the story goes, don't just be a lazy bum and stick that thing right at the beginning. I hate how most of the time, you read one of those character bios and bam- you already know how the whole story goes. I'll give you an example with one of my stories (shameless self-promotion for the win!):

Name: Sandra Young
Age: 15
Looks: yada yada insert here I don't feel like doing this today
Background: So she's been out of school for two years and her mum's trying to get her to go back, but she only gets worse and one day her older sister has the guts to put her in her old school and she basically gives her to a demon guy and basically sacrifices her little sister to the devil yeah enjoy the story!


Regarding the character profiles...

Does your character profile look something like this?

Name: Alexandria Wednesday Raven Way-Biersack
Looks: Long, ebony black hair that goes all the way to her butt with red cheetah print and light blue highlights and a spot that looks like the flag of the United States. Pale, flawless skin and icy blue eyes that tumblr girls would sacrifice puppies for. Tall- like a model, not like a basketball player (lol!)- skinnier than an anorexic, boobs the size of basketballs and a butt the size of ihateVEGETABLES's hands (but don't worry, it doesn't look nasty bc somehow gravity doesn't work oh her and everything's perfectly rounded and she doesn't have stretch marks).
Background: her dad disappeared ages ago, her mum hates her and is always drinking. She has to work to take care of her 26 younger siblings and she loves each and every one of them. She has this one guy best friend who follows her around like a puppy but lol-he DEFIANTLY DOESN'T LIKE HER, NOPE NEVER! And like every guy in school likes her, even the hot guy she likes but he has a girlfriend who acts all nice around him but is a total flapgrannycakes around her.
Personality: shy but outgoing, introverted, genius, nicer than the Virgin Mary, innocent and doesn't even cuss when a piano falls on her head-wow, humble, insecure and thinks she's ugly even though she's a bombshell.

or this?

Name: Jake Damien Alex Smith Dark'ness
Looks: Dark, long, silky perfect hair, light-coloured eyes that mess with teenage girl hormones, skinny but muscular, over six feet tall (preferably 6'2"), sexbang body in general (sorryforthelanguagenotsorry), perfect smile, tan skin.
Background: He lives alone, God knows what happened to his parents, who abused him when they were in the picture. Possibly has a sister who becomes the main character's "bff" pukes a little or a brother who's like his partner in crime. Rebel who dropped out of school or barely cares about it.
Personality: mysterious (I will personally make sure to r8pe you if you add this to your character profile), dark past, highly intelligent too, rebel, overly protective about the main character- if I'm about to r8pe her because she's a Mary Sure, he would cut me and save her magically, nice, quiet bc he's so mysterious !1!1! (r8pe), brave and strong


Okay, my point is not that you can't have hot characters or people with messed up pasts, or introverted geniuses-just make sure they have flaws.

Young me: Oh, oh, Mrs. FerSure! Mrs. FerSure! Does a bad past count as a flaw?

Oh, young me, this is why everyone hated you.

A bad past is NOT a flaw! No, a flaw is something like 'pessimistic' or 'arrogant' or even 'not very physically attractive'. Try not to make your characters too perfect. Try basing them on people you know in real life, real people with real flaws.

That's all for update one~

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