Starving

Starving

This is my very real encounter with Anorexia. All the events, all the feelings, every single thing in this story is true. This is my story of my year long struggle with Anorexia, and I wanted to share my story. It is graphic at moments, it can be scary, but i want everyone to realize, this happens to people all the time, and Anorexia is a very real, very harmful DISEASE.
The names have been changed for the sake of the people mentioned identities.

Chapter 3

Greet The Brand New Day

The next day I went to school and I took my note book with me. The first day was the hardest one. I skipped breakfast that morning, and I “forgot” my lunch money.
Before I left my house for the bus stop, I turned on my iPod and started my pedometer. I wanted to keep a close eye on how many calories I took in and put out. I walked to the bus stop, and I waited by myself. I was the only one at my bus stop, because I was forced to ride the short bus.
My mom insisted on it, because it would be easier on her. As if High School wasn’t enough torture, taking the short bus made it worse.
There was three other boys on my bus, I hated being the only girl on my bus. I usually just sat in a seat by myself and looked out the window and listened to my iPod.
I got to school just when the bell rang and my first class was Italian, and the second one was gym.
Up until right now, I had hated gym, I thought it was useless and I hated doing any activity, but now it was an excuse to exercise.
We only had two choices that day: Basket Ball, or Hockey. I chose Basket Ball. I ran around the court like a mad woman, jumped, threw, dribbled, and did anything to burn calories.
I had my iPod clipped to my gym shorts and by the end of gym I had burned 57 calories. It was a good start.

Up until now, I’ve left out a major detail about myself. I’m diabetic, which means my body doesn’t make a hormone and the sugar in my blood isn’t controlled right, and it’s all very confusing. Basically, I have to stick my finger a couple times of day to make sure the levels are normal and take a shot if it’s too high.
After gym, I went to the nurse to test my blood sugar, and for that time of day, my number was usually high, around 200 or so.
Today it was 47, dangerously low.
“Oh, that’s odd for you” the nurse said when I showed her my meter.
“I played a little more in gym today. I guess that’s why” I said.
“Well, have some juice and I’ll give you a pass to class” the nurse said.
Damn! I thought. I took a juice box from the nurse’s refrigerator and I immediately read the label.
“Serving size: 1 box. Calories per serving: 60”
“Sixty minus fifty-seven equals 3” I thought as I did the math in my head. I took the juice and the pass from the nurse and went to my next class, Physics.
When I walked in I handed the pass to my teacher, Mr. Bailey and he told me to take out my notebook. I took out my notebook, and placed my Rexy Bible under it.
I marked the date in the corner of my Bible and wrote:
“Exercise: Basket Ball during Gym- burned 57 calories” and skipped a few lines
“Food: 1 apple juicy juice- 60 calories”
I closed my bible and (attempted) to work through the problem on the board.
I muddled through the rest of the day. I “forgot” my lunch money, so I ate nothing for lunch. I had to go to the nurse before I went to the cafeteria (or so the nurse thought) and test my blood sugar again.
“I’m 114” I told her and showed her my meter.
“Alright, have a good lunch” she said. As I exited her office I scoffed.
Instead of going to the cafeteria I went to the library.
I go to a very privileged school, and as a result of that, every student gets a computer for the year. Nice, right? Well, I sat down at a desk in the library and took out my computer and Rexy Bible.
I googled “Pro-Ana tips” to see if there were any I didn’t have. There were a lot. I wrote down several like:
Drink water to keep yourself full
Chew gum to suppress your appetite
Green Tea lessens hunger
It takes 20 minuets to realize you’re full
Don’t eat anything bigger than your fist
I was going to follow these rules religiously. I clicked back and skimmed through some more sites telling me the same tricks. Then I saw one that said “Pro-Ana Quotes and Thinspo Songs”
I read through the list and wrote down all of them in my Bible and put hearts next to some of my favorites.
Craving is only a feeling
If it tastes good it’s going to kill you
Calories CANNOT make you happy
You want food? Look at those thighs?
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
In the background there was a song playing, it was familiar. Then it clicked in my head, it was from a Disney Channel movie I saw on TV when I was about eight.
It was from the movie Pixel Perfect and it was called “Perfectly”. I fell in love with it right away.
The chorus said:
I want to be perfect
But I’m me
I want to Be flawless
But you see every chip, every dent, every mistake
I want to be perfect
Just like you
But there’s only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror what I see
Makes sense to me.
The words fit me to a T. It described how I longed to look perfect and how Jenna saw my flaws and pointed them out.
Then the bell rang, and I packed up my things and left to go to Math. As I walked I could feel my stomach growling and quaking as if it was saying “Feed me Rory! Feed me!”
I punched my self in the gut to make the noises stop and if they ever returned I wrapped my arms tight around myself.
The day dragged on and my tummy continued to growl. I don’t know how loud it actually was, but to me it was as loud as a tiger roaring right in my face.
I was so thankful when the last bell rang and I ran out of Study Hall to get on my bus. I plugged in my headphones again and placed my forehead on the window of the bus and waited out the ride home. When I walked in the door, my mom was in the living room, with the dog in her lap, looking through some papers.
“How was school Ror?” she asked
“Fine” I said behind a smile. Then my stomach growled again.
“Are you hungry Ror?” my mom asked me
“No, I just have a bit of a stomach ache” I lied “I’m going to go lay down” I said and ran to my room.
I threw my bag on the floor and ran to my bed. I punched my stomach a few times to make it stop.
I check my iPod to see how many Calories I had burned. 162, not too bad.
I laid on my back and bent my knees, and started to do crunches. One… two… three… I counted. I wasn’t going to stop until I reached 100. I found out that someone my weight burns 55 calories doing 100 crunches. I recorded the exercise in my Bible. Then I got on the floor and did 50 push ups, to burn 75 calories. Again, I recorded it in my Bible.
Around 5 o’ clock my mom called from the kitchen of our apartment “Rory, what do you and Davy want for dinner?” she asked. I opened my door a crack and shouted back “I’m not hungry, Whatever’s good”
Bad mistake. They got pizza for dinner. My mom forced me to have two slices and I ate it as slowly as possible. After I ate, I ran to my room to check how many calories were in one slice. 254 in an average slice.
“Ahhh!!!” was all I thought! I recorded it in my bible, shamefully. And I totaled up my calories for the day.
Burned: 297
Eaten: 508
Total: 211
I was aiming for 0.

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