Funny Things I Read On Twitter

No matter how bad-a$z you were, when you were younger you also used to draw the sun in the corner of the paper.

'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your WiFi.

Just stepped on a lucky charm, I'm officially a cereal killer.

Normally I can't dance to save my life. But after I step in dog crap, I can dougie, moonwalk and cha cha slide.

You cold? - Nope I'm on vibrate -_-

Dear McDonalds cashier, don't give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy.

Lazy rule: If it isn't on the 1st page of Google, it doesn't exist.

I hate smart a$z teachers. Me: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know, can you? Me: BIIITCH I WILL S**t ON YOUR DESK.

Teacher: "You're here to learn." Student: "No, we're here because it's the law."

Right before I die I'm going to say "I left a million dollars in the......"

"GET THE FVCK OUT MY FACE!" Me: "Grandma please! It's a 3D movie!"

FEAR: [F]orget [E]verything [A]nd [R]un

CLOSE YOUR LEGS YOU SLLUT "Grandma please, she‘s having a baby".

They say "don't drink and drive". Well.... yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. Im a bad a$z

"Was that lightning" No.... they're taking pictures for google earth

It's perfectly legal to kill someone in your dreams, that's why I wake up with a smile everyday!

I don't Insult people, I describe them!!

I have a sixth sense, I see stupid people

Downloading the motivation to give a s#it ... Download failed!

Lets face it, we all had our teachers a$z in our face when they were helping another student...

IF THIS IS YELLING!!! WhAt dOeS tHiS sOuNd LiKe?

"Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"

Im sorry, I didn't mean to look like I give a dAmn. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I'LL BURN THIS MOTHERFVCKER TO THE GROUND NOW WHERE IS IT? Sir, calm down your toy is under the McNuggets.

Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: What for? Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, Why the eff do you think?

I don't want to sound like a bad a$z... but i ejected my usb without removing it safely!

Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. You: Look at this biiitch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!"

Me:"Coke please." Cashier: "Is Pepsi ok?" Me: "Is monopoly money ok?"

Me: I'll have a McDouble, McFries, a McNapkin,.. Employee: Sir why are you-… Me: McShut the eff up! Im not done! Employee: THIS IS WENDYS

Cashier: "Have a great day!" Me: "Don't tell me what to do..."

I am going to show my kids the movie "2012" and be like "Yeah, I survived that like a boss."

I gets Jiggy with it. ~('.'~) (~’.')~ \(‘-’\) (/’-')/ \(‘-’\) (/’-')/ \(‾^‾)/ \(^u^)\ (^u^) \(^u^)/

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of yo a$z! Knees to chest biiitch! KNEES TO CHEST!!

Cuts hand "Ouch that hurt" Steps on lego barefoot "ARGH HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT! MAN DOWN MAN DOWN!"

Teacher: "I'm calling your parents!" Age 10: Omg no! Please! Age 13: Whatever.. Age 15+: Tell them I said Heyyy!