Funny Things I Read On Twitter
title says it all
Chapter 3
More Tweets
No matter how bad-a$z you were, when you were younger you also used to draw the sun in the corner of the paper.
'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your WiFi.
Just stepped on a lucky charm, I'm officially a cereal killer.
Normally I can't dance to save my life. But after I step in dog crap, I can dougie, moonwalk and cha cha slide.
You cold? - Nope I'm on vibrate -_-
Dear McDonalds cashier, don't give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy.
Lazy rule: If it isn't on the 1st page of Google, it doesn't exist.
I hate smart a$z teachers. Me: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know, can you? Me: BIIITCH I WILL S**t ON YOUR DESK.
Teacher: "You're here to learn." Student: "No, we're here because it's the law."
Right before I die I'm going to say "I left a million dollars in the......"
"GET THE FVCK OUT MY FACE!" Me: "Grandma please! It's a 3D movie!"
FEAR: [F]orget [E]verything [A]nd [R]un
CLOSE YOUR LEGS YOU SLLUT "Grandma please, she‘s having a baby".
They say "don't drink and drive". Well.... yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. Im a bad a$z
"Was that lightning" No.... they're taking pictures for google earth
It's perfectly legal to kill someone in your dreams, that's why I wake up with a smile everyday!
I don't Insult people, I describe them!!
I have a sixth sense, I see stupid people
Downloading the motivation to give a s#it ... Download failed!
Lets face it, we all had our teachers a$z in our face when they were helping another student...
IF THIS IS YELLING!!! WhAt dOeS tHiS sOuNd LiKe?
"Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"
Im sorry, I didn't mean to look like I give a dAmn. I apologize for the inconvenience.
I'LL BURN THIS MOTHERFVCKER TO THE GROUND NOW WHERE IS IT? Sir, calm down your toy is under the McNuggets.
Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: What for? Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, Why the eff do you think?
I don't want to sound like a bad a$z... but i ejected my usb without removing it safely!
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. You: Look at this biiitch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!"
Me:"Coke please." Cashier: "Is Pepsi ok?" Me: "Is monopoly money ok?"
Me: I'll have a McDouble, McFries, a McNapkin,.. Employee: Sir why are you-… Me: McShut the eff up! Im not done! Employee: THIS IS WENDYS
Cashier: "Have a great day!" Me: "Don't tell me what to do..."
I am going to show my kids the movie "2012" and be like "Yeah, I survived that like a boss."
I gets Jiggy with it. ~('.'~) (~’.')~ \(‘-’\) (/’-')/ \(‘-’\) (/’-')/ \(‾^‾)/ \(^u^)\ (^u^) \(^u^)/
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of yo a$z! Knees to chest biiitch! KNEES TO CHEST!!
Cuts hand "Ouch that hurt" Steps on lego barefoot "ARGH HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT! MAN DOWN MAN DOWN!"
Teacher: "I'm calling your parents!" Age 10: Omg no! Please! Age 13: Whatever.. Age 15+: Tell them I said Heyyy!
'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your WiFi.
Just stepped on a lucky charm, I'm officially a cereal killer.
Normally I can't dance to save my life. But after I step in dog crap, I can dougie, moonwalk and cha cha slide.
You cold? - Nope I'm on vibrate -_-
Dear McDonalds cashier, don't give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy.
Lazy rule: If it isn't on the 1st page of Google, it doesn't exist.
I hate smart a$z teachers. Me: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know, can you? Me: BIIITCH I WILL S**t ON YOUR DESK.
Teacher: "You're here to learn." Student: "No, we're here because it's the law."
Right before I die I'm going to say "I left a million dollars in the......"
"GET THE FVCK OUT MY FACE!" Me: "Grandma please! It's a 3D movie!"
FEAR: [F]orget [E]verything [A]nd [R]un
CLOSE YOUR LEGS YOU SLLUT "Grandma please, she‘s having a baby".
They say "don't drink and drive". Well.... yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. Im a bad a$z
"Was that lightning" No.... they're taking pictures for google earth
It's perfectly legal to kill someone in your dreams, that's why I wake up with a smile everyday!
I don't Insult people, I describe them!!
I have a sixth sense, I see stupid people
Downloading the motivation to give a s#it ... Download failed!
Lets face it, we all had our teachers a$z in our face when they were helping another student...
IF THIS IS YELLING!!! WhAt dOeS tHiS sOuNd LiKe?
"Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"
Im sorry, I didn't mean to look like I give a dAmn. I apologize for the inconvenience.
I'LL BURN THIS MOTHERFVCKER TO THE GROUND NOW WHERE IS IT? Sir, calm down your toy is under the McNuggets.
Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: What for? Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, Why the eff do you think?
I don't want to sound like a bad a$z... but i ejected my usb without removing it safely!
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. You: Look at this biiitch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!"
Me:"Coke please." Cashier: "Is Pepsi ok?" Me: "Is monopoly money ok?"
Me: I'll have a McDouble, McFries, a McNapkin,.. Employee: Sir why are you-… Me: McShut the eff up! Im not done! Employee: THIS IS WENDYS
Cashier: "Have a great day!" Me: "Don't tell me what to do..."
I am going to show my kids the movie "2012" and be like "Yeah, I survived that like a boss."
I gets Jiggy with it. ~('.'~) (~’.')~ \(‘-’\) (/’-')/ \(‘-’\) (/’-')/ \(‾^‾)/ \(^u^)\ (^u^) \(^u^)/
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of yo a$z! Knees to chest biiitch! KNEES TO CHEST!!
Cuts hand "Ouch that hurt" Steps on lego barefoot "ARGH HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT! MAN DOWN MAN DOWN!"
Teacher: "I'm calling your parents!" Age 10: Omg no! Please! Age 13: Whatever.. Age 15+: Tell them I said Heyyy!
14 Comments
Please login or register to submit your comment.
THIS IS WENDYS!
I'm not expressionless, my sisters are yelling at me to shut up...
My biggest lie is actually "I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions."
ikr
XD XD Rofl!!! I love these!! XD They're so hilarious!!!
Five stars and favs!!! XD
Thanks! :)
Lmao I'm dying over here!
HAHA This is hilarious!!!
I laughed SO hard at the teacher ones!! XDD BIITCH I WILL SHIIT ON YOUR DESK!!!
i practically exploded with laughter XD
Dude, all of these are frikin HILARIOUS!
That awkward moment when your walking down the stairs and think theres another step and you hulk stomp the ground is my favortie