Funny Things I Read On Twitter

() Single. () Taken. (x) Helping Mario get Peach back!

Teachers call it "going to the bathroom." We call it "I'm bored. I'm leaving."

Oh, you're dating someone else already? I thought the 5 second rule only applied for food.

Whoever said nothing is impossible... Never tried to staple water to a tree.

Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" Door creeks Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate cookies, are the main reason I have trust issues.

Girls, there's a fine line between wearing make-up & looking like you just got gang banged by crayola

Checking the fridge every 10 minutes to see if any food magically appeared.

3AM text message "Hey are you asleep?" "No, I'm hunting zebras. What the fvck do you want?"

Teacher: Don't pack up yet we still have 2 minutes!!! Students: packs up slowly and quietly

Doing the "I'm thinking really hard face" when the teacher looks at you.

"Did you do your homework?" "Did you grade my test?" "I have other student's tests to grade." "I have other teacher's homework to do."

"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula."

Getting mad, because your celebrity crush is cheating on you.

I don't care if your son is 2, Imm not giving up this swing.

I don't have a dirty mind... I just have a sexy imagination

Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my cereal

"I dont need to write that down, I will remember it" = My biggest lie.

I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

Back in elementary school, when you were line leader, everyone else was your biitch.

I do 5 sit-ups every day. It may not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Me? Weird? Biitch please, I'm limited edition.

I hate the nerds that cover up their answers. Like come on, let's work together bro.

I don't understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

Teacher: "The test is very easy." Me: Sure it is, you already know the answers.

If you have a picture of a car as your profile picture, Im going to assume that you're a transformer

Annoying person: "You're cute when you're mad" Me: "Keep it up and Im about to get really fvcking adorable!"

S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life. C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping. F.I.N.A.L.S. = F^ck I Never Actually Learned S*t.

When you start to hate someone , everything they do begins to annoy you .. them : "Cough*" you: "OOOOHHH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDD "

I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "K"... Are you asking to be shot? -__-

My Graduation Speech: "I'd like to thank Google,Wikipedia, and Copy & Paste"

There's always one person in PE that acts like their competing in the freaking Olympics

Hold on a sec, I'm searching for a f^ck to give

"Po-po-po poker face!" "Grandma please, we're playing UNO!"

(A/N My random thought: I always thought the "D" in the Disney logo looks like a backwards "G.")