Funny Things I Read On Twitter

title says it all

Chapter 1

Funny Tweets

Going to McDonalds and asking for a salad, is like going up to a hooker and asking for a hug.

Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw then s**t gets real.

Sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.

What i do when im hungry: ( ) get up and get food (x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me

That awkward moment when someone says "you two should go out", when you're thinking "dude im working on it!"

When I drop my phone, I act like I've let a new born baby slip through my hands.

Everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and I'm just over here like "Look at that tree.....I Like that tree. Ok fvck it, I'm about to climb that tree".

Low Battery Low Battery Low Battery Well apparently you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds

3AM text messages "Hey are you asleep?" “No, I'm freaking scuba diving”

Oh wow. You're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a$z?

The awkward moment when you hold the door open for someone then suddenly everybody in the building decides to go out.

Laughing so hard, no noise comes out, so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

Paranormal Activity, shootings, bomb attacks, robberies, all scary... But nothing is more terrifying than seeing 5 missed calls from mom.

I don't wanna sound like a bad a$z or anything, but I play the Wii without the wrist strap on

Want someone stop texting you? Send this SMS: SERVICE ERROR 305: MESSAGE DELIVERY FAILED. FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

Once I put on my headphones, my life becomes a music video

Putting lmao, lol, rofl, and knowing damn well you're sitting there with less expression than a brick.

Step 1: Open fridge... Nothing to eat. Step 2: Open cupboard... Nothing to eat. Step 3: Lower standards and repeat steps 1 and 2

One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark

Has anyone noticed that the "&" symbol looks like a man dragging his a$z across the floor?

I hate when im singing a song and someone corrects me..... Biiitch what if I was freestyling..

Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking if anyone heard us we would be put in a mental hospital

Opens a pack of gum BAM. Everyone's your best friend

Lazy rule: Can't reach it, don't need it.

Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "LOL, biiiitch please. I make campfires underwater."

Nicki Minaj: Pink Hair, Katy Perry: Blue Hair, Rihanna: Red Hair & Lady Gaga: Green Hair...THE POWER RANGERS ARE BACK!

"Talk dirty to me ;)" "Mud."

During Exams there is always one song, that stuck in my head when I’m trying to remember the answer.

Normal Person Flirting: "Hey babe what's goin on? ;)" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that s#!t."

That epic moment when you almost drop something then catch it in mid-air.

That awkward moment when your walking down the stairs and think theres another step and you hulk stomp the ground.

(A/N My random thought: Think of a number. Double it. Add six. Half it. Take away the number you started with. Your answer is three. Your Mind = blown.)

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