Just A Little Something

Chapter 5

I Think I say Sorry to Much

I tend to say I'm sorry.
Even when I have nothing to apologize for.
It's a bit of a nervous habit that I've had for a long time.
I also get fidgety when I'm nervous as well.
I'm a bit awkward to talk to.
And I don't really know how to handle gratitude.
I've been learning the blues on my guitar.
It's fun.
Though I like playing the piano as well.
It's been a while since I've played one.
I don't know how to deal with people worrying about me.
I usually don't think I deserve people caring for me.
I say 'Don't worry.' Because I'm not sure how to go about everything.
I do realize that I'm a bit of a shut in.
And I get the fact that people probably don't want to talk to me cause of it.
Sometimes I may seem a bit cold or hostile, but I don't mean to be.
It usually has nothing to do with the person I'm talking to.
I just get in those moods sometimes.
I don't sleep well and I get irritable sometimes because of it.
And I'm a bit sick lately so that doesn't help either.
I am afraid of talking to people.
Even if it's someone I've known for a long time.
I still get nervous when I say things because I'm not sure if it's alright to say it.
I unfortunately have a naturally curious personality.
So that means I have to constantly re-write messages.
Because I may be curious, but it isn't my place to ask people questions.
I don't like questions, even when I ask them.
I may have mentioned that before.
I feel like I'm going insane sometimes.
But then I brush it of as nothing.
Because even if I were insane who 'would care' my mind asks me.
I don't understand why anyone would like me.
I've been confessed to by a few people before.
But I still don't see what's so good about myself.
I'm not really attractive.
I'm not good at anything.
I'm annoying.
And I'm a bit of an idiot.
I don't know how to say things properly.
And that means things don't get across properly.
I've been told that I don't think of myself highly enough.
And that I should stop being so mean to myself.
But I really can't help it.
Years of bulling, abuse, teasing and hatred tend to do that.
Though I don't want anyone to feel bad for me.
That wouldn't be right.
I don't really deserve for people to feel sorry for me.
When I get nervous or uncomfortable I start saying things like 'Um', 'Uh' and 'Erm'.
Even if it is in a message because I'm just awkward like that I suppose.
I have panic attacks.
They aren't pleasant.
I'm extremely anxious all the time.
And I usually feel incompetent around other people.
I don't like people watching me.
Because I feel like their waiting for me to mess up.
Just so they can laugh at me.
I'm a bit cynical.
And a bit of a pessimist I suppose.
I have major trust issues.
I mean, it's really bad.
Sometimes I feel guilty for no reason.
Than I start blaming myself for everything.
And I feel like I need to apologize for it.
Even though I know it's completely not my fault at all.
I still find a way that may seem like it could be my fault.
So I have a reason to feel guilty.

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