Pretend

A Poem

Chapter 1

Pretend

Dress up, and pretend to be happy.
Wonder where it all went.
Did I really change so much?
So much I can't even recognize myself anymore.

I used to be happy and glad,
What happened? Why am I always sad?
I didn't used to have to force myself to smile.
What happened to my innocence, was it all defiled?

I remember when I used to look in the mirror.
I saw such happiness, now I only see horror.
I am only a shell of who I used to be.
Just a monster pretending to be me.

Maybe I should stop pretending,
to be something I could never be.
I should leave them be and let the scars keep mending.
And maybe I can see the person behind the mask, maybe I can see me.

I need to stop telling these lies.
I need to stop it with these failed tries.
I need to bit back these screams and cries.
And I need to break free from these ties,
That bind me to the innocent boy I will never be.
That little boy is a lie, that little boy is not me.

The mirrors that I use to reflect.............................The Lies.
The walls I use to deflect......................................The Hate.
This razor I use to correct....................................My mistakes.
You people who always neglect............................My needs.
My love you always reject....................................Leaving me broke.
My heart I want to protect....................................From you monsters.
All I want is respect............................................For everything I do.

My life is all just a pretend game.
I just want to be able to tame,
The urge to hurt and berate myself.
Just put my heart away on a shelf.
Forget about it and walk away.
Don't look at it, haven't since that day.

Try to let the lies heal.
Take away everything I pretended to be.
Forget what I thought was real.
Walk away and just be free.
From all the lies that bound me.
To this pretend body.
That I never ever wanted to be.

I am just a lie,
A kid trying to pretend.
Pretend everything is alright.
Hope these wounds will mend.
With minimum damage.

Just a mirror, something to look at.
Just these walls, something to glare at.
Just a boy, someone to stare at.
Just pretend something is there with me.

Pretending is fine, but not when you forget who you were in the first place.

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