Please read...I need some advice...

This is a lot of mostly past things that have happened that lead up to a point in the end about what I need help with..this is all crap about my life, so If you don't care, then don't read.....but if you do read..then I really appreciate it..

Chapter 1

If you don't care, then don't read...

by: Cinderkit
I just don't know what to do anymore.

I began dating someone online a few months ago and we've been together ever since. I've never seen him in person but I've known him for about two years now so believe me when I say I thought this through. Ever since my last boyfriend broke up with me I had been feeling so lost and alone. But he, (the online guy) let's call him Jay, was always there for me. He was even there for me when my first boyfriend broke up with me, which was around last October.

Jay always knew what to say to cheer me up. We'd chat for hours on end about each other and our personal lives and about what was going on in the world and have some laughs together. So when boyfriend #2 broke up with me in January I was so heart broken and messed up, and I didn't know what to do. I chatted with Jay for long periods of time after that and he would always tell me he loved me before I went to bed (but of course I didn't take him seriously..), even when I was dating. I knew he loved me as a friend and loved to chat with me, and I too, but I didn't think he liked me more than that...

But then, a few months later, my first boyfriend asked to go out with me again. I was shocked, and confused, for he was the one who broke up with me..And the first person I talked to about it was Jay. We had actually become very close in the few months before and he had asked to be my boyfriend. So now I was really confused, because I had to choose between two guys and at the time I still had small feelings for boyfriend #1.

About a week later I was texting bf #1 and chatting with Jay at the same time about who I was going to choose. A small part of me knew it would be Jay and he kept pestering me to say yes over and over again, so when I told Jay yes, it almost felt like I had been forced into it. But I loved him, so it didn't bother me much. But when I told bf #1 that I chose the internet guy over him, he was devastated. This happened at the end of May.

Boyfriend #1 and I had a huge argument on Skype that night which consisted of him telling me how stupid I was and that I was making the wrong choices...

Skype Convo..: "BF#1 So you're not interested in me?

Me: as in a boyfriend no

BF#1: You don't want to date me.
You want to date Jay. I see.
Makes sense...

Me: what do you mean it makes sense?

BF#1: It doesn't that's the point but I'm not gonna waste my time. Just have fun with these next 5 years because in terms of a relationnship, you won't.

Me: I know you're upset, and I know you still love me but you need to understand that I will never go out with you again. I still like you as a friend and I hope we can stay friends. But that may not happen if you keep criticizing my relationship with Jay. I'm sorry

BF#1: You're not listening and i get the fact you don't want to go out with me. But seriously, there's nothing to change you're mind. You don't care. I thought you were smart but this is just stupid. Im not saying to not talk to him but I am saying that espcially since the guy isn't physically in your life, you won't ever know him until them, unless kissing your computer screen is good enough. He will never be there for you. He will always be a blip on a screen. Nothing more. Never will.
I have my fair share of internet friends but you have to draw the line. And obviously you don't know where to draw it."

He's wrong. Jay will always, and has been there for me. At least that's what I thought at the time...That conversation with BF#2 tore away any remaining feelings I had for him and I've been uneasy around him ever since. I continued chatting with Jay, but even though we were "dating", nothing changed. But soon Jay was on less and less and we never talked like we used to. I miss the old conversations we use to have together..he would make me laugh so hard with the random stuff he always said.

Lately, for about the entire month of July, it seems Jay has only been on to talk to me about once every five days and it makes me worry so much. I know he's there though because he tweets about some video game he's playing or some stream he's watching and it hurts me because I think that his video games are more important than me...shouldn't I be more important...?

Lately whenever I can get a hold of him he immediately tells me that he's busy playing a game or about to play a game or editing some video and then just leaves and I don't chat with him for a few today for example..he hasn't been able to chat with me for a week..

Me: are you there?
Jay: gonna be editing a video soon but yeah, for the time being
Me: we never talk that much anymore and you always seem to be busy with something when I'm on...
Jay: yeah i know, i've been trying new things, you know
Me: trying new things?
Jay: videos, different games, sleeping when i should xD
Me: lol
Me: ohey, have you checked my youtube page recently? (I asked cuz I wanted him to see my flute video..)
Jay: nope. however, it's time to go edit, i have around 4-5 hours of gameplay to go through, i'll ttyl
Me: 4-5 hours..?
Jay: i played this morning
Me: bye..

Who knows when he'll be on again...

Without Jay to talk to it's just not the same. I have just felt so alone. I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to at all. Sure I have plenty of friends to text but they don't want to hear about my problems...they probably wouldn't know what to tell me or would just tell me I'm probably overreacting, which maybe I am...I just feel so it's not like they text me anyway..I bet if I didn't text anyone, than no one would text me for who knows how long, maybe days. Really, the only people I want to talk to usually don't text me back... I thought that maybe this online relationship could work out but I don't think it is...I can't remember the last time he told me he loves me...

I just want someone to cuddle..and who would always be there for me you know..? But I feel there is no one out there like that for me...I think I've given up...

But what's even more difficult for me is that I still haven't gotten over boyfriend #2. I'm still in love with him and there's nothing I can do about it! His life seems so wonderful now while mine is falling apart...and it hurts so much because I know that we'll never be together again. Why would we when it's so obvious he's moved on...I feel like there's no one to turn to...I feel I can't even talk to my own sister because she thinks I'm annoying, and whenever I try to hang out with her she pushes me away...she doesn't like being with me....

So I decided to post this on Quibblo. I know that this website is not used for this type of thing...but I wanted to turn to people that I didn't know. People whom I haven't just makes this whole thing a little easier than talking about it with my friends...they have enough to worry about..and maybe you guys do too.

As a side note, I've also been eating a lot less recently. I'm just never hungry anymore..I don't know why. Most days I only eat a small dinner and that's it. Maybe I'm depressed..but honestly I'm not even sure what the true meaning of depression is...

So if you have any advice please message me...or comment...and if you read through this whole thing then I thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart...<3

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