Read If You Want. I Don't Effing Care.

Chapter 4

I'm peppy and upbeat. I laugh a lot, I'm a complete dork, and I know how to have fun.

On the outside.

On the inside, I feel like a wreck. I can't tell anyone. My parents would think I'm being dramatic. Maybe I am. My friends were raised in the private school mindset, as I like to call it.

I'm anorexic.

I cut myself.

Not on my wrists, but rather stupidly right above my knee, carving two words: "fat" and "ugly." Now I have a bandaid that I wear over it. I tell people I rammed my leg on my dresser.

It's eight, and I'm starving. All I've eaten today is a bag of Chex Mix, and I went to softball for forty five minutes before I went crazy.

Hunger passes. I know. I've starved myself.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I've always thought of myself as fat. I know that everybody who knows me either absolutely loves me, or completely hates me.

I'll make a list.

Love: Laura, Sloane, and Kailee (Sloane and Kailee are incapable of hating anyone, because they're Jesus Freaks.)

Hate: Warner, Graham, Stephen, Will, Lauren, and probably more.

Can't tell: Caroline, other Caroline, Katie

I'm fairly certain Caroline hates me. Other Caroline (Emma in SoML) I'm fairly sure likes me. Mostly because I'm one of her only true friends at school. We used to be best friends.

I may be doing it because I want people to notice.

I told everyone I was sick, and felt like throwing up when I ate. My mom bought it. I went home early Wednesday, and weaseled my way out of school Thursday.

I just want a best friend. Someone who would laugh with me, listen to me when I speak, and coach me through things like this.

I nearly break down crying every day. How do they not notice?

And Ms. Teie thinks I can't act.

I've lost eight pounds already, and I'm so excited. Sometimes I eat things, then I beat myself up for it later.

Oh yeah. I caved and ate two Oreo balls today. Forgot about that.

I have no clue if I'm going to post this or not.

I can't tell if I want a pity party or if I want to press on and act happy. I'll feel like an attention whòre with the pity party, but acting happy just sucks.

I love eating. But I'll stop.

I'm not trying to be thin for a boy. This is all for me, my self-esteem, and to show everyone at school just how much restraint I can show.

I really am a hypocrite, aren't I? I was telling people that starving yourself isn't necessary, and cutting is just plain dumb. And here I am. An anorexic and a cutter.

I don't know whether to be proud or disappointed.

I think I am going to post my little journal entry. But I'm sort of scared.

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