Things Not to do at Hogwarts

Things Not to do at Hogwarts

This was going to originally be a quiz but my stupid computer keeps messing up and i've wrote it 3 times and every time its messed up so now i'm doin it this way.....I did not write these i just thought they were funny.

Chapter 1

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1. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

2. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" when being sent to the Headmaster's office.

3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney's tarot deck.

4. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."

5. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

5b. Neither will I take one out on the new DADA teacher.

6. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

7. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.

7b. Neither is Professor Umbridge.

8. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order "to see what happens."

9. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blow my house down.

10. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

10b. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages.

11. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.

11b. This goes for Fred and George, too.

12. I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-Cheating Charm quills.

13. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.

13b. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years.

14. I will not point to Harry Potter’s scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

15. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

16. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force.”

17. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.

18. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking.

19. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

20. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch as been permanently canceled.

20b. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's

21. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

22. I will not refer to Aragog as “Charlotte.”

23. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.

23b. I should not test that.

24. If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin!”

25. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the Hug A Muggle Campaign.

26. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.

27. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any other Ravenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Neville Longbottom, 8) Any other Gryffindor.

28. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny a few times.

29. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

30. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

31. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

32. I will not convince the first years that "Death Eaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes.

33. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

33b. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

34. I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing-point of water. I will not ask Professor Snape why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I point out that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me.

35. I will not tell the first years on the Hogwarts Express that they have free choice of house if they swim over the lake.

36. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

37. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

38. Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny.

39. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

40. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

41. I will not hang up a sign saying "Reserved for Draco Malfoy" at the girls bathroom door.

42. I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

43. I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull named Ripper.

44. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.

44b. Not even if the boy who's whispering this to you tells you he heard it from Hermione Granger herself.

45. I will not set Ravenclaws on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

46. Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

47. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

48. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

49. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

50. I will not ink my owls feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

51. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite of passage to truly become a Gryffindor.

52. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

52b. Neither does Hermione Granger.

53. I will not tell Professor Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place."

54. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

55. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

56. I will not psycho-analyze Professor Trelawney, as it clouds her Inner Eye.

57. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

58. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.

59. I will not suggest that we read coffee beans in Divination instead of tea leaves for a bit of a change.

60. I will not tell the teachers that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actually go home during the school year to do it.

61. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball.

62. I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look like bees.

63. I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects.

64. I will not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snapes classroom.

65. Stealing first-years clothing and then tossing it into and around the Whomping Willow is highly frowned upon.

65b. I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccurately named and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.


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