Funny Quotes

Just some funny quotes from amazing comedians!!

Chapter 2

Russell Howard

[What The Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message]
"And now, an impression. They call me Mr. Boombastic..."
"Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually an elf."

['Unlikely lines to hear in a TV show']
" [Has hand shaped like a gun] NO DEAL, EDMONDS! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THE MONEY, OR I'M GONNA START SHOOTING!"

[Things you're unlikely to hear on a quiz show.]
"For £1million, complete this well-known phrase: "The ...?"'

[Things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party.]
"Ten of you arrived, only one will leave."

[Lines you wouldn't hear in a war film]
"There's only one way to settle this war, through the medium of dance."

[Things you wouldn't hear from a weather forecaster]
"It was raining cats and dogs last night. I should know, I was throwing them off my roof."

['Unlikely Things to Read on a Packet']
"Serving suggestion: on a plate, you thick moron!"

[The answer is "one fifth"]
"Whether you like it or not, how much happier are you when you see a fat person fall over?"

[Rejected questions from this year's exams]
"What colour does a smurf go when we choke it?"

[Unlikely things to hear on a TV business show]
"Our invention lets you know whether or not a girl fancies you. We call it beer."

[Unlikely things to hear at Christmas]
"Why is your nose so red Rudolph? Because I'm an alcoholic."
"In the current financial market, a dog is not just for Christmas. Its for Christmas dinner."

[Unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch]
" All the victims are deaf, dumb, or blind. These are senseless killings."

[Unlikely things to read in a Valentines Day card]
"I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
"Be my valentine, or die in a well."

[Commercials That Never Aired]
"Fed up with your dull, gray hair? Get used to it. You're a squirrel."

[Things You Won't Hear On A Gardening Programme]
"And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body."

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