Funny Quotes

Just some funny quotes from amazing comedians!!

Chapter 1

Hugh Dennis

He stars in the hit shows: Outnumbred, Mock the week and Fast Loose
(look up on youtube)

"Viewers of a nervous disposition may be interested to know that your television is off and I am speaking to you from inside your head."

[Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Driving Test]
"Well, at least we know the airbags work"

[What The Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message]
"This year, I am in an unusual location. I'm in a cave with Osama Bin Laden."

[The Worst Thing To Hear Over A Tannoy System]
"Only you can hear me."
"The lift doors are closing... leaving you trapped in an airless, windowless coffin... hurtling downwards at a hundred miles an hour..."
"Second floor... but you can't get out."

['What a news reporter would never say']
"Here, children as young as eight children are forced to make their own living. MORE POLISH, MORE POLISH, I WANT TO SEE MY FACE!"

[Unlikely Small Ads]
"House pricing falling, debts rising. Feel you can't cope? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!"

['Unlikely Things to Read on a Packet']
"To open, push down tab, break tab, swear repeatedly, stab with a pair of scissors!"

[Unlikely Lines From A Thriller]
"RED OR GREEN, RED OR GREEN? WHICH DO I CUT?! COME ON, THEY'RE ONLY PEPPERS! HOW LONG IS THIS THIS SALAD GOING TO TAKE?!"

[Unlikely things to hear on a TV Talent show]
"When you said you were going to saw a woman in half... I thought you were a magician."

[Things You Wouldn't Want To Hear At Work]
"Don't worry, this isn't the first operation I've done. Last time, I got almost the whole way around before the buzzer went off."

[Bad things to hear from a tour guide]
"Well, this is the deepest, darkest part of the cave. Unless you give me twenty pounds each, it's where you're staying."

[Unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch]
"Today, we're looking at identify theft. I'm..."

[Unlikely things to hear at an awards ceremony]
"Our next award is for Most Inaccurate Weather Forecast of the Year. Let's look at the 9,000 nominees."
"Now, Teacher of the Year. Quiet down, it's your own time you're wasting."

[Unlikely things to read in a Valentines Day card]
"I love your eyes, I love your nose, I love your smell, why must you be a Labrador?"

[Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Charity Show]
"And remember, every pound you give leaves you a pound poorer."
"Every Premiership footballer has pledged a week's wages, so with that, we have bought Africa."

[Commercials That Never Aired]
"This ad may be thoroughly misleading, the product may not work, and it may burn your face off."

[Things You Won't Hear Your Sat Nav Say]
"Turn right. Wrong. I didn't say "Sat Nav Says".

[Unlikely Things To Hear In A Quiz Show]
"So this question for 100 pounds: What is your PIN number?"

Skip to Chapter

17 Comments

© 2019 Polarity Technologies
X
X

Invite Next Author

Write a short message (optional)

or via Email

Enter Quibblo Username

X

Report This Content