Funny Quotes

This is just a little something I found on a website. Some are funny, some are weird, some are kind of interesting, some are nasty, some may be dumb, but I think as a whole they're all pretty good!

Chapter 1

Enjoy!!

Short Funny Quotes

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

Its not cheating unless you get caught.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. Ive done it dozens of times.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

I hope life isnt a joke, because I dont get it.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

Im knot a blonde! Im knot, Im knot, Im knot!

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

Ive got problem for your solution…

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.

Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

When I was born I was so surprised I didnt talk for a year and a half.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Its just that yours is stupid.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

The road to success is always under construction.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

What you call dog with no legs?
Dont matter what you call him, he aint gonna come.

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

In God we trust; all others must pay cash

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldnt find anyone to copy it from.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain (amen)

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on (amen again)

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife youll be happy; if not, youll become a philosopher. (This was said by Socrates)

There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side.

Whatever it is -- I didnt do it! (story of my life)

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." (Said by George W. Bush!!)

Society both sucks and blows (Homer Simpson)

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