The Deep, Dark, Truth.

No, this isn't fiction. Yes, it's about me and every word is true. The night is dark, but my thoughts are darker, and a lot of them are going to be shared here. I have mental health issues, but nothing diagnoseable and sometimes these can be the scariest mental 'illnesses'. Read on, please. X If you have any questions, as me, please. I'll answer them.

Chapter 1

1) Relating with 10 quotes!

  1. 'I miss me. The old me, the happy me, the bright me, the smiling me, the laughing me, the gone me' ~ Gawd, this is so relate-able. I do miss me as the person I used to be. When I was younger I was all of those things, so bubbly, but when events strike...these things disappear and you can't find them. However deep you reach, they still aren't there.
  2. 'I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could do was whisper "I'm fine."' I know what it's like to be desperate to talk about the darkest things but not know how. You bury it deep down till you want to stand on a roof and scream them but you can't. You just say you are fine because it's so much easier, it becomes a habit.
  3. 'When you're depressed you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. I wish people would understand that'. This is so true, when I feel seriously depressed and I choose to think negatively, but not every thought I choose to think. Some just pop into my head and I can't get them out. But these negative thoughts DO control you, they force your hand onto the piece of glass or sharp metal you think is your friend. They force the blood and the life out of you.
  4. 'They ask "How are you doing?" But what they mean is "Are you over it yet?" My lips say "Fine, thanks" , but my eyes tell a different story, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps.' I get ask how am I doing every time I go to therapy and no matter how rubbish I feel, I say I'm fine because as I said on the second quote, it's easier, it's a habit. But really, they do me if I'm over it. Sure she says she is, we just need to be sure then we can chuck her off into her life thinking we have 'cured her'. My eyes, a lot of the time, are filled with tears that I can't cry because if I cry, I'm weak, and I break down again. My heart and my soul want to die but my heart keeps beating because let's face it, I can't even die properly.
  5. 'You knew exactly what you were doing. That's what hurts the most.' This quote is just heart-wrenching and I don't know how to explain why. I have been stabbed in the back, I have had my heart broken and my life ruined by people knowing. My heart got broken by my bestfriend but she knew I liked her, it was too obvious. Maybe this will explain it: To parents, I don't know if you will ever see this seeing as you have no idea I have a Quibblo account atm, but, you knew what you were doing when I broke down, you knew it was wrong but you didn't care. Why do you think I hate you? You ask yourself that.
  6. 'It sucks when you know that you need to let go but you can't because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen.' Gawd, knife in heart. I know what that's like right now, today. I need to let go of my best friend for both our sakes but I can't because I'm waiting for her to miraculously turn bi/lesbian. Yeah, never fall for your straight bestfriend. Ain't good.
  7. 'Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I am winning anymore.' This is the true meaning of suicide in a way, you're already killing yourself by living. In the end you are a walking lost body, and it seems the next step is for your body to stop alongside your soul. Deep, huh?
  8. 'Whenever I have a good few months and I think I've gotten over the worst of my depression, it silently returns. This isn't a battle I'm asked to fight. I'm tired of knowing it's always coming back.' This just happened to me. I got out of the mental place (not as bad as it sounds) and I thought things were going up. Little did I know, there is drop afterwards, and I'm thinking I heading that way.
  9. 'Sorry mom & dad. You have a suicidal kid but I promise I'm gonna put my best fake smile in front of you all.' Pretty much life for me.
  10. 'When I told my mother about my struggle with depression, she accused me of doing it for attention.' Mine did that, she also blamed it on my bestfriend and never even saw that she caused it too.

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